Putting it all out there

I guess you never really know how your going to handle a scenario like this until you're in it. Cancer brings out emotions and behaviors that I didn't know I was capable of. In some ways, it's been good for me. In some ways, not so good.

The good things I've found:
1. I am capable of more strength than I thought
2. I am capable of managing my family on my own, although I prefer not to
3. I am capable of operating the lawn mover, edger, and a sawzall
4. I can prepare some darn healthy meals

The not-so-good things I've found:
1. I'm pretty weak sometimes
2. I have no patience and I need immediate gratification
3. I get angry - really angry - if I try to do and don't succeed at something Jim normally does
4. I don't do well with any kind of restraint - physical or emotional

One of the things that continues to surprise me is the fact that I proceed with the blog as flat out openly as I am. Truthfully, that's just me. My life is a literal open book. Cancer or not. Jim, not so much. I've often wondered if Jim is mortified by some of the things I write on the blog. He's a much more private person than I am. He always reads the blogs before I publish (or immediately after so I can retract if I need to), but he hasn't stopped me yet. And though the blog is half fluff, half information and emotion, it's sometimes hard for me to write. I'm trying to give everyone an accurate picture of what goes on at our house, because there are so many happy times. And although not every moment is blissful, I believe that we are moving forward in a positive manner.

Cancer has taught us that it's not about the cancer - it's about us and our family. How we respond to cancer is a reflection on who we are and what we're about. So, if you didn't know about my many neuroses before, you definitely know now! I find it humorous that I'm so nervous and insecure, but at the same time I'm willing to put it all out there. Jim is the confident one in our relationship. His natural assumption is that people like him. And why not? He's Jim. Who wouldn't like Jim? My sister-in-law Judi said it best: "It's like dating the high school quarterback", except not nearly as dreadful as high school thank heavens.

I guess the things we take away from cancer are most definitely humility, generosity, strength, and love. When we look back on this year, I'm pretty sure we'll use it as a yardstick to measure every other little bump in the road. "Is it as bad as cancer? Nope. We'll get past it."

Cancer will never have a place in our lives, except as a memory and as a troubled-time yardstick. Opening up our lives and sharing our emotional journey through this has been so good for us. I believe the blog is a true reflection of who we are: a happy, whole, loving family.