This blog is for Jim Marventano's family and friends to review his status and updates while he goes through treatment for Stage IV Colon Cancer. We can beat it together!

Monday, May 07, 2007

Putting it all out there

I guess you never really know how your going to handle a scenario like this until you're in it. Cancer brings out emotions and behaviors that I didn't know I was capable of. In some ways, it's been good for me. In some ways, not so good.

The good things I've found:
1. I am capable of more strength than I thought
2. I am capable of managing my family on my own, although I prefer not to
3. I am capable of operating the lawn mover, edger, and a sawzall
4. I can prepare some darn healthy meals

The not-so-good things I've found:
1. I'm pretty weak sometimes
2. I have no patience and I need immediate gratification
3. I get angry - really angry - if I try to do and don't succeed at something Jim normally does
4. I don't do well with any kind of restraint - physical or emotional

One of the things that continues to surprise me is the fact that I proceed with the blog as flat out openly as I am. Truthfully, that's just me. My life is a literal open book. Cancer or not. Jim, not so much. I've often wondered if Jim is mortified by some of the things I write on the blog. He's a much more private person than I am. He always reads the blogs before I publish (or immediately after so I can retract if I need to), but he hasn't stopped me yet. And though the blog is half fluff, half information and emotion, it's sometimes hard for me to write. I'm trying to give everyone an accurate picture of what goes on at our house, because there are so many happy times. And although not every moment is blissful, I believe that we are moving forward in a positive manner.

Cancer has taught us that it's not about the cancer - it's about us and our family. How we respond to cancer is a reflection on who we are and what we're about. So, if you didn't know about my many neuroses before, you definitely know now! I find it humorous that I'm so nervous and insecure, but at the same time I'm willing to put it all out there. Jim is the confident one in our relationship. His natural assumption is that people like him. And why not? He's Jim. Who wouldn't like Jim? My sister-in-law Judi said it best: "It's like dating the high school quarterback", except not nearly as dreadful as high school thank heavens.

I guess the things we take away from cancer are most definitely humility, generosity, strength, and love. When we look back on this year, I'm pretty sure we'll use it as a yardstick to measure every other little bump in the road. "Is it as bad as cancer? Nope. We'll get past it."

Cancer will never have a place in our lives, except as a memory and as a troubled-time yardstick. Opening up our lives and sharing our emotional journey through this has been so good for us. I believe the blog is a true reflection of who we are: a happy, whole, loving family.

1 Comments:

Blogger Judester said...

It's funny how life hands you a yardstick. Everyone gets a different one. Up until now, mine was "It can't possibly hurt as much as being 5' 2" and giving birth to a 9 lb 6 oz. baby who's facing the wrong way!" Now I feel like the yardstick got flipped over and it's all metric. As a child of the '70s when America was going "metric," I can tell you I don't like metric! I understand the measurements in theory - I hate it in practice. Just like this whole cancer thing. I understand it in theory, but there's such a visceral component to it that no matter how much intellect I apply to it, I'm still on edge, uncomfortable, afraid I've got it all wrong.

Cancer wipes away what you know, what you've always counted on, what you're sure of - - suddenly you're standing at a road sign looking up and seeing a sign that reads MY TOWN 100 KM and have no idea how far away it is or how long it will take you to get there. Oh and the gas tank's on low and you gotta pee. Panic, confusion... but you know you aren't going to get there any quicker staring at the sign, so you just head in the correct direction, hoping to see a gas station with a semi-clean restroom along the way. You know you have the strength to walk if you run out of gas and you could pee in the bushes, but you'd prefer not to! The trip isn't turning out like you'd hoped, but you know eventually you'll see another sign that says MY TOWN 1 KM - and 1 is much closer to home than 100 in any measurements.

8:36 AM

 

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