Let go and let God

Whenever I hear the phrase "Let go and let God" I always think "what does that mean?" Well, I figured it out today.

While Janet and Jim Sr. were here, Janet said to me a few times "I don't know how you do it all". Well, I'm not doing it all. While they were here Janet ironed more than 50 pieces of clothes for us. That was the first time ironing had been done since my mother ironed the last batch of around 50. There are some things I have just had to let go of - ironing being one of them.

Today I realized that I am in desperate need of a break. We are having a tough time keeping Jim healthy. I'm having a tough time managing the kids and the dogs and the house and the medical scenario. It's hard to see Jim like this. Jim and I have gone through some seriously chubby times in our lives. Seeing him this thin is unnatural.

I finally had a meltdown today and couldn't recover. (I knew I'd eventually betray my strong facade. I turned into a crying gelatinous blob, just like I'd suspected I might.) I told Jim that I needed a break. So we called his sister and she agreed to come out and care for Jim this week while I go to my parents' cabin with the kids. I'll stay there until Sunday and then go down to be with Jim for the testing day at Northwestern. Jim's sister and her husband are going to take care of Jim, the house, and the medical scenario for the week.

I feel horrible guilt for taking a break. I feel like I'm not living up to my marriage vows. I feel like I'm deserting him. I am worried that something will happen while I'm gone. I'm worried that they'll forget to pick up his Fragmin at the drugstore. (I know Judi won't, but I'm not very rational when I'm a crying mess.) I'm worried he'll need me and I won't be here.

I feel terrible that I'm in need of such help right after Janet and Jim left. Right after my Mom left after taking care of the kids while we were at Northwestern. But when I think about it, I realize that while Jim Sr. and Janet were here, we were splitting my job among three people. Janet cared for the kids, Jim Sr. cared for the house, and I took care of Jim and did the medical stuff. And medical stuff takes some time - it sounds silly, but pharmacy runs, phone calls, appointment setting, research (I like to go into his doctor's appointments with a list of questions and be somewhat educated on the topic at hand), and talking to the insurance company all add up. It's hard to have a real phone call when the kids are screaming and ripping things apart.

This week I found out that a friend of mine committed suicide. She had a two boys, ages 3 and 18 months. I keep thinking about my friend. I know she had some pretty serious postpartum depression. My heart has been sitting in my throat since I heard the news. I think it's because of her that I finally asked for some help. I can't let myself slide any further. The kids need me to be strong, and so does Jim. I can't rally 100% any more. I can only rally to about 80%, and that's not good, because Jim can only rally to around 60%. We need better odds that that.

I'm scared that taking this break won't be enough. Or it won't fix it. But I'm also scared to stay here. I haven't had a single day where I haven't ended up yelling at Rachel in sheer frustration. I'm so warped that I've been wondering if Jake is banging on the screen door and pushing it out to tick me off. And I spend about 10% of my day fearfully checking on Jim. I stand at the bedroom door repeatedly throughout the day and make sure he's breathing. He's so thin and skeletal that it scares me.

I've been asking for more help lately. My friends Amy and Susan came over one night and organized all the paperwork on the dining room table for me. If you'd seen my dining room table...it was enough to scare a pack rat. They even organized all the medical records chronologically. Amazing. But while we were doing that I could feel my heart rising to my throat. How did I get to be this prideful? Why is asking for help so painful? Lately it seems that people offer help and I just start to cry. I don't know what to ask for. I don't want to inconvenience our friends and loved ones. And I know in my heart that I cannot ever return the favor.

My heart is still sitting in my throat but I'm hoping that will get better. I'm hoping that we can use this time to get Jim healthy and rally our spirits back to 100%. I think Jim presents better when other people are around. If his sister pushes him to drink more shakes, if she asks him to walk, if she tries to get him to eat, I think he'll be more willing to do it. It's easy to fall into a slump when it's just your family around. Sort of like the fact that I'm willing to wear my sweats at home, but I would never, ever, ever go out in public wearing anything that resembles sweatpants. Because, you know, jeans and flip-flops are so much more presentable. Hee hee.

Today I decided to open the floodgates and just let go and ask for help. It's not that I didn't let God in before...but it was sort of like Driver's Ed. I always had my foot on that brake extension in case things were getting out of control. This is me letting go and letting God take the reigns. Totally. In my life. In our house. In our medical journey. I need help. From God and from our friends. I need God to guide me on asking for help, and to give me the grace to recover this week and become a better wife and mother.

I don't know if I'll be blogging this week from my parents' house. Maybe I even need a break from the blog, although it's something I truly enjoy doing. Please pray for us. For Jim's healing, for my mental well-being, and for our kids, who are caught in the torrent but don't really understand what's going on. We need a miracle. We need healing on all sorts of levels.