This blog is for Jim Marventano's family and friends to review his status and updates while he goes through treatment for Stage IV Colon Cancer. We can beat it together!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Emotional Triggers

If you don't know a lot about cancer, when the doctors are saying "You have cancer" to you or your spouse, what you hear is "You aren't going to live". From that point on, it's a frantic race to find a cure, but it's also a mental race to prepare for what you believe is the inevitable.

Truth be told, there are so many people that survive cancer. Even advanced stage cancer. And you know what? When you look at them, you can't tell that they ever had cancer. They just look like everyone else. There's no scarlet "C" emblazoned on them, although I imagine lots of newly diagnosed people would be relieved to see how many people have beat it.

In our household (as I'm sure with many others) we take on tasks that "belong" to us. I do the laundry. Jim mows the lawn. I do the cooking. Jim takes out the trash. I pump my own gas for the car and get my oil changed, but if there's something wrong with the car, Jim takes it in. It's the unwritten rule book. I've taken over most of the tasks while Jim heals, but even still, if I can't open a jar of jelly, I hand it to Jim after a couple of twists.

During the mental race to prepare for whatever the future may bring, there are different emotional triggers for us. When I learned to mow the lawn, Jim believed that I did it because I thought he wasn't going to make it. In reality I learned to use the mower because the grass was getting long and our next-door-neighbor that was cutting our grass had a quintuple bypass. Mowing the grass makes me feel like a contributor at home. I don't think I'm the world's best caretaker, but everyone wants to believe that they are helping Jim in some way.

My emotional triggers are different things...like the car seats. Children's car seats are a pain to install. The statistics for people driving around with their kids incorrectly latched are astonishing. We got to turn Jake's car seat around a few weeks ago. Jim wasn't strong enough to do it, so I tried to do it myself. It took me around 45 minutes, I was a sweaty mess, and I scratched up my knees installing the strap that goes into the cargo area. I asked Jim to come down and check my work. While on the way outside, Jim said "Did you move the straps?"

No.

Right then and there I knew I'd wasted my time. I was so angry that I had a full-out 2-year-old temper tantrum out in the driveway, complete with tears, stomping, and plenty of fist swinging. Car seats are one of those things: I don't know how to use them, and if for some reason Jim doesn't make it, I will be lost. I was so upset that I couldn't even have Jim explain to me how to fix the car seats - I just gave up and went inside.

Jim's emotional trigger is the basement. He wants the basement done in case something happens. He wants our kids to have a nice playroom, because he knows that if it doesn't get done, I can't do it myself. Jim's Dad is working on the basement this week, which is a blessing because it takes a big load off Jim's mind.

It's hard to talk about the hard things. We are having to face the reality that two traditional treatments haven't worked. But we are still hopeful that one will work in the future. We'd be fools to give up. We'd be fools to give in. Cancer will never prevail over us mentally. We are a formidable mental opponent for cancer, no matter how low we get. We have faith and we have people who lift us up when our faith gets low.

When they gave Jim his diagnosis in the hospital, the doctor (not Dr. Haid), gave a time frame on how long he thought Jim would live. My number one goal in life is to prove him wrong. He doesn't know how long Jim will live. None of us know. Mercifully, Jim doesn't remember what the doctor said, and I won't ever tell him. Who can pin a time frame on someone's life? People have come back from worse, and I hold hope that Jim can, too.

Sometimes we get depressed or an emotional trigger makes us upset. But it doesn't mean we think he won't make it. It means that I don't ever want to live a day without him here to install car seats. It means he wants to see his kids play in the new basement. It means we will push on together, striving for many more happy days when we won't be taunted by emotional triggers.

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Jim and Kate-
It's great news that they found the blood clot at Mayo. Please know that you are in my prayers daily. The blog is so important because it let's us know exactly what to pray for. Sorry about the car seat incident. It's funny how it's the little things that can push you over the edge sometimes.
Linda

4:38 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Kate,
Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you guys all the time. I read your blog every day and am always touched and inspired by your words. Giving up control is the hardest thing anyone ever can do especially when you realize you were never in control to begin with. It's kind of like how we all knew everything when we were 16 but now find ourselves unsure of everything. Trust that God really does know what he's doing even when there's not a shred of evidence to support that faith. When you inevitably need to doubt him look to all the people he's sent you. So glad you're living in a place like Kohler, it sounds made up, but really great.
Cathy (Outerbanks Hang Gliding Expert)

4:52 PM

 
Blogger Melody36911 said...

Hi Jim and Kate. I ran across your blog a good while ago and I have been keeping up with it since. My father had colon cancer and I really understand the emotional ups and downs with chemo not working, cea counts, and the ever present not-knowing. Jim, when Kate mows the yard, she really is only keeping it up for you. She knows that soon you will probably be able to take the yard mowing back on and she will proudly relinquish it. I know it has got to be hard to sit back and watch her perform a chore that you always handled. However, if the shoe was on the other foot, I am sure you would be stepping up and handling Kate's duties as well. Ya'll keep praying faith believing that Jim will overcome this beast. I will hold Jim and the rest of your family up in prayer. The internet is a wonderful thing as it has allowed me to connect with others who are going through the same thing. God Bless your family.

11:10 PM

 
Blogger Judester said...

A few days before I came out to help Jim recently, the Exodus story popped into my head and then kept popping into my head.

For those of you who don't know or don't remember the book of Exodus in the old testament, in short, it was when the Israelites were led out of slavery from the Pharaoh. Now one would think that was a great thing - right? Freedom! Nah. They were led out into NOWHERE for years and years. They lost faith in the Lord many, many times. They were crying about being hungry...manna fell from the sky. They were crying about being thirsty...a few wacks of Moses staff on the rocks and water. The Lord provided, but not exactly like they expected "freedom" to be. Eventually, you move into the other books of the Bible and find that they did eventually get "the freedom package."

So here's where I think this ties in. I haven't exactly been on good speaking terms with the Lord lately. Pissed is actually a good word to describe it, but I figure given the circumstances, he'll forgive me and if he can't, well...do I want to spend eternity with a deity who can't forgive me for being pissed about this? So why does the Exodus story keep popping in my head??? Mayo wasn't the answer - BUT they did find the blood clot. Perhaps a little manna or water? We need to keep trudging across the desert. It's hard, but he's with us. You know he is - Jim's depressed and boom Pastor Kirby shows up at your door. You need to go on several trips out of town - just as Mom gets her vacation for the year and can come out for a long as you need. You want me to come out for the weekend and I get the cheapest flight ever.

It's a desert and the journey is long and hard. Keep the faith.

Love - Judi

10:25 AM

 

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