March 17 looms

Boy do I miss Jim. It's a lonely night tonight. I'm a little sad, and working on self-improvement and introspection activities just doesn't hold a candle to plowing though a box of Girl Scout cookies and watching The O'Reilly Factor. I'm watching the news about Elliot Spitzer and wondering why he would engage in such self-destructive behavior while I'm literally eating an entire box of Tag-a-longs. This can't be good. At least I wasn't Client 10. My self-destructive behavior is limited to buying Girl Scout cookies in excess, and the occasional way-over-indulgence in wine. I've struggled to stay healthy the last couple of weeks. My poor body can't handle much more chocolate. I've gained some weight, and even while I'm eating I know I shouldn't be doing it.

I know what's coming. Monday is the 6 month milestone of Jim's passing. I have to admit that I'm nervous about it. I'm doing the same thing I did on my birthday - making plans and deciding that I will not sit around and hope that something comes to me.

March 17 is also St. Patrick's Day. One of my favorite holidays. Jim and I had several St. Patrick's Day celebrations that were off the charts. And a few years that were on the charts - especially after Rachel and Jake were born. But in general, St. Patrick's Day is celebrated at our house. I'm sad this milestone falls on a favorite holiday. I'm sad that I won't be able to tease Jim about being Italian when we know the whole world really wishes they were Irish. You don't see them dying the Chicago River to celebrate any old heritage. I'm sad because I just miss him.

And sometimes I feel conflicted. After all, I think I'm doing really well. Of course I feel sad. I think about Jim all the time. I still talk to him all the time. Mostly to tell him that I miss him but I talk to him about other things, too. But for the most part, I'm dealing with things pretty well. I have been doing a lot of grief work. (I count eating Girl Scout cookies in that category.) I have been spending a lot of time reading, journaling, and thinking about improving things for my children. I feel conflicted because I sometimes worry - if he's watching but can't hear my thoughts, does he know that I'm still sad? If he's watching and he can hear my thoughts, does he feel sad along with me? Is he yelling at me to put down the box of cookies? Is he watching? Am I really alone? I try to believe that I'm not, but sometimes it's hard. In the beginning I was desperate for a sign. I've gotten fewer and fewer things that could be interpreted as signs, but I also feel better and better. Maybe I just don't need the signs like I used to in order to have faith. And I feel conflicted about that.

We have some fun family events coming up. Two weekends ago our friends Paul and Sara met the kids and I in Chicago and we spent a marvelous weekend having fun and taking in the sights. I am working hard on doing things with the kids - I want them to know that we will push on. Winter is getting long and we need a few diversions! We are and have been very busy - but busy doesn't make up for the fact that Jim isn't here. I hurt for my kids.

I am looking forward to Monday and I'm terrified at the same time.