March 17 looms
Boy do I miss Jim. It's a lonely night tonight. I'm a little sad, and working on self-improvement and introspection activities just doesn't hold a candle to plowing though a box of Girl Scout cookies and watching The O'Reilly Factor. I'm watching the news about Elliot Spitzer and wondering why he would engage in such self-destructive behavior while I'm literally eating an entire box of Tag-a-longs. This can't be good. At least I wasn't Client 10. My self-destructive behavior is limited to buying Girl Scout cookies in excess, and the occasional way-over-indulgence in wine. I've struggled to stay healthy the last couple of weeks. My poor body can't handle much more chocolate. I've gained some weight, and even while I'm eating I know I shouldn't be doing it.
I know what's coming. Monday is the 6 month milestone of Jim's passing. I have to admit that I'm nervous about it. I'm doing the same thing I did on my birthday - making plans and deciding that I will not sit around and hope that something comes to me.
March 17 is also St. Patrick's Day. One of my favorite holidays. Jim and I had several St. Patrick's Day celebrations that were off the charts. And a few years that were on the charts - especially after Rachel and Jake were born. But in general, St. Patrick's Day is celebrated at our house. I'm sad this milestone falls on a favorite holiday. I'm sad that I won't be able to tease Jim about being Italian when we know the whole world really wishes they were Irish. You don't see them dying the Chicago River to celebrate any old heritage. I'm sad because I just miss him.
And sometimes I feel conflicted. After all, I think I'm doing really well. Of course I feel sad. I think about Jim all the time. I still talk to him all the time. Mostly to tell him that I miss him but I talk to him about other things, too. But for the most part, I'm dealing with things pretty well. I have been doing a lot of grief work. (I count eating Girl Scout cookies in that category.) I have been spending a lot of time reading, journaling, and thinking about improving things for my children. I feel conflicted because I sometimes worry - if he's watching but can't hear my thoughts, does he know that I'm still sad? If he's watching and he can hear my thoughts, does he feel sad along with me? Is he yelling at me to put down the box of cookies? Is he watching? Am I really alone? I try to believe that I'm not, but sometimes it's hard. In the beginning I was desperate for a sign. I've gotten fewer and fewer things that could be interpreted as signs, but I also feel better and better. Maybe I just don't need the signs like I used to in order to have faith. And I feel conflicted about that.
We have some fun family events coming up. Two weekends ago our friends Paul and Sara met the kids and I in Chicago and we spent a marvelous weekend having fun and taking in the sights. I am working hard on doing things with the kids - I want them to know that we will push on. Winter is getting long and we need a few diversions! We are and have been very busy - but busy doesn't make up for the fact that Jim isn't here. I hurt for my kids.
I am looking forward to Monday and I'm terrified at the same time.
posted by Kate at 10:19 PM
5 Comments:
Dear Kate,
I had a feeling a posting would be coming soon... so I have been checking religiously to see how you are doing. I know you are doing "fine"... but I know the hurt and pain you are still feeling. Life is moving forward, things are getting "better", but there is still that doubt and sadness that seems will never go away. Trust me when I tell you that it WILL get better! My first big milestone came when I went to the cemetery for the first time since his burial (Paul is buried in LaCrosse near his hometown of Onalaska) and it just happened to be our wedding anniversary AND Father's Day too! But you know what? The day was fine. Try not to build it up so much in your head. Embrace it as you would any other day. That is what helped me because I knew that was how Paul would want me to approach it. As the signs come less and less, you might choose to look at it as your inner strength leading you instead. I needed signs a lot in the beginning too... I needed them to help me feel connected and less alone. But as time went on and they happened less frequently, I knew that was God's way and Paul's way of helping me move on.
Even though we have never met, I hope you know how much I care about you and your children. If there is anything I can ever do to help, please don't hesitate to ask!
9:58 AM
Not only will March 17th be difficult, but I imagine all of the "firsts" without Jim will be hard until you get through Sept. 17, 2008. I think getting over those milestones will help build your strength and eventually you will look forward to those milestones as a special day to honor Jim and reflect upon your time with him. Of course you do that EVERY day in your heart and in the every day actions of your life. But in time, those milestones may bring you more peace and comfort than pain. I'll be praying for that for you and all of Jim's family. I still think about all of you ALL the time!!
10:49 AM
St. Patty's Day...Irish...Italian...I remember some pretty funny stories about Jim in all his italian-ness traveling to Ireland with the red-headed Ferguson clan. You'll probably be remembering those stories and other St. Patty's day stories come Monday. They'll make you happy and sad.
Six months isn't a magic number here either. I still cry a lot and that pain/sadness in my heart isn't any less as we approach March 17th, than it was on September 17th. From all that I read, that's pretty standard fare for several years out.
On March 17th - grab a cookie out of the St. Patty's day hat I sent and say "See Jim - your sister does send these every year!" Then visualize his face in your mind, smiling that smile of his, knowing that he & Rachel had fun trying to eat them up before you found out they arrived. Then trying to tell you I just sent the hat.
Much love - Jude
4:08 PM
Here is a website that you, Kate, may or may not be interested in - www.adec.org. I know that you have been working on your grief for yourself, but from what I understand you seem to be helping others who are are grieving. This is an organization that offers continuing education in grief management. Just in case this was an area that you might be passionate about.
I hope this might be useful. You are a light of hope in the tunnel of grief. God bless you and your babies.
9:36 PM
Eating Girls Scout cookies always makes me feel better. My thoughts and prayers will be with you helping you make it through St Patrick's Day. Kate - you have so many people who care about you and will help to pull you through the low spots.
6:54 PM
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