LOST

Tonight was the first time in months that I've been able to sit down a watch a tv show. I've been waiting for the season premiere of LOST. I love it. (Does this make up for the fact that I watch The Bachelor? No...I guess to do that I'd have to be watching some kind of PBS documentary.)

I can only remember a handful of nights when I've been able to watch tv - really sit there and pay attention - since Jim passed away. One night I was already feeling down, so I decided to batten down the hatches and watch Hope Floats. In retrospect I probably wasn't thinking clearly, but I cried my eyes out and felt better afterward. (Not immediately, but later.) And I've watched The Bourne Ultimatum. I got it for Christmas. And who can say no to Jason Bourne?

Any other tv or movie just hasn't appealed to me. I just can't stomach it. My brain churns and churns and I realize I've got to get up and do something else. I spend a lot of my time reading, and a lot of my time looking at drivel on the internet. I still wander around sometimes, not sure of what to do. When I realize I'm wandering I get really sad. Wandering most often happens on Friday and Saturday nights. The kind of nights when Jim and I would watch a movie together. Weeknights I am so up to my ears in tasks for the coming day that I don't have time to wander.

LOST was a good episode. It also kind of made me jumpy and I wondered if perhaps LOST might be a little too intense for me at this point. I also had to stop reading Bonfire of the Vanities because it really was too intense. Although it looks like a good book, so maybe some day I can go back to it.

I often wonder when my mind will calm down enough to do some of the things I used to do. I wonder if it will ever calm down. I'm scared to have it calm down. You know what it feels like when you're in the car, driving to an address you've never been to before, and you suddenly realize that the radio is blaring, so you turn it down? As if turning down the radio is going to help you see better. That's what I feel like all the time. The radio in my head is just blaring. But I'm not hearing voices yet, so I guess that's a good thing!

Every day I wear a necklace that I got when Jim passed away. It's a star. Actually, I got one, and so did Jim's mom, Judi, my mom, and Kirsten. It's got Jim's ashes in it. We got Jake and Sean little silver cylinders. They're pretty neat. Today I tried to not wear the star. I tried on another necklace (that Jim gave me!) and I swear the radio in my head went to full volume. I had to take it off and put the star on. That turned the volume down to about the consistent rate - enough to be annoying, but not enough to keep me from doing things. Then I put on a ring that he bought me in St. Thomas. The volume went down a little more and I felt better.

I've always been pretty tightly wound (and if you know me you're thinking DUH!), but we're at fever pitch here. Sometimes I want it to calm down so I can watch LOST. Sometimes I need the volume to stay up so that I don't wander too much. I'm looking for the delicate balance.