Sad today
Sometimes I just can't believe this is my life. I am feeling terrified because my Mom had to go home after being here for a week. I can't very well expect her to move in here, but at the same time, I'm still scared that I can't hack it on my own.
Today I was driving on the highway, listening to Go, Diego, Go! for the 100th time as the kids were watching it in the backseat. My mind seemed detatched from my body. I could see my arms reaching to the steering wheel, but they didn't feel like my own.
How did this happen? I wasn't meant to be a 35 year-old widow. I wasn't meant to be widowed with two kids so young. I refer to Jake's age in months, not years. This cannot be right. Somewhere a mistake has been made.
He's got to come home soon. The house isn't the same without him here. I wonder if he knows I need him back. I want to call him on his cell phone and tell him he's been at Home Depot too long. I wonder if he knows that I don't feel any better than I did in September. I wonder if he knows I still love him.
posted by Kate at 9:32 PM
6 Comments:
Yes - somewhere a mistake was made. A big one. It isn't right. But like most mistakes made in life, big or small, once done, they can never be reversed. They always exist in some shape or form, even when we try and "fix" them.
I don't know what lies after we die, if anything. If there is something, Jim sure as heck is watching over you and knows what's going on. I read a book called "The Mercy of Thin Air" and in it, the people who have lost someone are saddest when the spirit of that person is closest to them. I'd like to believe Jim is there with you and the kids - you feel his absence, but also his presence.
I wish you could call his cell phone too and tell him to get his butt home. How does that saying go? "If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets in the sea."?
Much love - Jude
11:47 AM
Every time I pass Jims house where he grew up I think of this big mistake too. I wish I was throwing snowballs at his window to get him to come out and build forts with me!!!I wish we could go back there!!! I think about him (and you guys) about 10+ times a day!! Something is definitely wrong here!!! I miss the hell out of that guy!! Love, Jeri
3:03 PM
I can't tell you how many times G and I have said the same thing. It's just wrong. Rapists and child molesters and old lady muggers should get cancer. Not people like Jim. It's just wrong.
But he knows Kate. He always knew and he still knows. You guys were so crazy in love with one another that the whole world knew.
I wish I could say something besides all the trite bullshit people say when someone passes away. I wish I could say something that really matters, that really makes you feel better.
But the truth is, death just sucks.
1:41 PM
I am not convinced that God makes mistakes. I think your saddness is a result of the void that Jim has left and it reminds you of what a blessing that you had in having a husband like him. But you are a strong and very cool lady and you are and will continue to be a great mom to those beautiful children. Keep your chin up Kate because the sun will come out again - kind of hard to believe when you look outside your window on a day like today. But it will and you will find a purpose to this tradgedy. Jim's passing was meant to teach - even if it is not evident every day. You have touched many people through your blog - including me. For not having known your family at all prior to reading this, I feel like I know you and you are able to bring me to tears and also to help me look at my life and see what is good. Life is full of heartaches even with your life partner but I think they are harder to bear alone. This blog is written proof that you are surrounded by people who love you and will help you bear the pain even on the worst of days. That good old Hallmark holiday that just past probably did not help your mood either. Jim is here - he will never die - you won't let him. He will just take on different roles and forms in your life and the life you create for those two little ones.
5:08 PM
Dear Kate,
I started to post yesterday and then got side-tracked by one of the three chidren... If it helps at all, go back and read my entries beginning in May of 2004.
(www.caringbridge.org/wi/paul) I was where you are at now and it hurt so much. But I am living proof that life does go on, the sun shines again, and new adventures await. I know Paul knows I still love him, but he also understands that life must go on and that I should continue to make a life for myself and our kids. You will too, in your own time and your own way. As you said in your previous post, don't be afraid to reach out and make a new friend. I'm here if you ever want to chat or email personally.
8:24 PM
All I can say is... He knows. Its so hard to be alone. I can not even imagine losing a love,a best friend. If you feel sad think of him. He is your rock and your center. That will never change. I love you. I don't know how to describe it... but you have "it". That is what Jim saw. Keep up the positive. But... dont take advise from me. I have your Brother to deal with... aka K. A mistake may have been made w/Jim but maybe everything happens for a reason. I really don't know. What I do know (or think I know)... if you dont live throug pain and hurt, what makes you special. Everyone needs a story. You Kate, Make me want to be a better women. Jim and everything he brought makes us ALL stronger. WHAT A PERFECT ROLE MODEL TO HAVE.
Love Becky F.
2:20 AM
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