Taking time to recover
After getting hit with the flu bug two weeks ago, we are still recovering. We're pretty much back to health, but goodness it takes a long time to fully recover.
I've read that people get all sorts of physical ailments when they aren't properly dealing with their grief, so of course I have to overthink it and wonder whether I'm in denial or something like that. Or it could be that I let Jake ride in the car cart at the grocery store and he got yucky germs all over me. Those car carts are gross.
I'm surprised at my lack of motivation. I'm having difficulty pulling it all back together and getting out of the house. I've been dropping Rachel off at school in the morning in sweatpants, with absolutely no intention of exercising afterward. And we all know that's against my rules. But I just can't seem to get up in the morning - I'm desperate for the extra sleep. (Of course it's 10:23 pm and I'm writing the blog, and then I wonder why I'm tired. I should have gone to bed 23 minutes ago.)
It's been five months now since Jim passed away. This has been the longest five months of my life. Literally, it seems like five years. The 12 years I've been married to Jim seem shorter than the 5 months that have just passed.
I'm not complaining. Okay, well, yes I am. But I don't mean to sound so negative. I have learned a lot in five months. I've learned a lot over the last year. I've come a long way since September. I am managing my household. We laugh and have silly moments. We deal with every day problems as they come, and handle the bigger questions or problems that way too. I don't overthink everything like I used to. (Just imagine what I was like before!) And I'm connecting with people that make me happy. I think staying connected to people keeps me from getting bitter. And being bitter is no way to live, is it?
posted by Kate at 10:26 AM
4 Comments:
You probably are getting sick in some part because of Jim's illness and his death. Stress does all sorts of bad stuff to our immune systems. Combine that with two kids who touch every germ-infested surface (grocery cart included!), an inability to sleeping well without Jim in the bed next to you, not exercising consistently, the occasional diet of pure, unadulterated junk food, and you really have a good case for being sick a lot.
I don't believe you could ever be chronically bitter - it doesn't seem to be in your personality. Just when you think you've had enough, Jake and Rach will do something that makes you laugh in spite of yourself and it becomes a little ray of sunshine in a dreary, overcast day. Reading your posts, we've all shared in some of those happy times. We've laughed along side you, and breathed a sigh of relief that there is happiness in the house despite the sadness of missing Jim.
Keep searching out those that make you happy. Enjoy your scrapbooking day. Make silly faces with the kids. We love you.
8:59 AM
Judy is so very right about laughter. If you can find humor in spite of it all...you will be just fine. From reading your blog, I think you are remarkable. And this comment is from someone who has never even met you!
Beth
8:48 PM
I totally agree about the damn car-carts. If the grocery store gods MUST provide an irresistable alternative to the regular, and imho superior, road warrior-type cart, could someone PLEASE run a rag over it once a year???? Yuck.
I steer Wyatt clear at all cost. I even bribe him with a cookie at the bakery if he'll just sit still in the regular old cart that I can easily disinfect with a vionex wipe!
Sorry you're feeling bad. It may be just the time of year. I've always found February to be the cruelest month. (no light, no end in sight to the cold, no patience for puffy coats squeezed into car seats, you get the picture...)
Hang in there, Kate.
8:56 PM
Kate - I can't imagine how you are holding everything together, but cut yourself a break. The lack of sleep, the germs, trying to find energy, etc. - That is parenthood with 2 kids. I wouldn't read anymore into that then just playing being exhausted by being a Mom. You are doing everything right - especially sharing your thoughts and finding humor.
10:29 AM
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