Stress tests are stressful / What would we do without big sisters?

November 29, 2006

I had a hard time deciding on the title tonight. Jim's had a poopy week, and it's only Wednesday. Although it's Jim's "off" week for chemo, on Monday Dr. Haid ordered a stress test. He took the test yesterday. We found out today that the stress test results are fine. The road leading to this afternoon's results was a bit rocky.

Jim's had chest pains while wearing the pump. He describes it as the feeling of a balloon expanding in his chest. When he sits down and relaxes/rests, the feeling subsides a bit. Dr. Haid ordered the stress test based on that. I guess the trigger was that it subsides with rest. In Jim's chemo cycle, the tightness in his chest begins on Tuesday (the second day of chemo, first full day of the pump), gets worse on Wednesday, and starts to get better on Thursday or Friday, after the pump is removed. Avastin is extremely strong, and one of the side effects is that it can compromise heart function. Obviously the doctors don't want to take any chances, and it's better to have the tests.

Since Monday Jim's been completely convinced that he's on the fast track to a massive heart attack. Last night I went out for a drink with a friend. After I left Jim alone, he spent some time on the Internet researching the side effects of Avastin. Not a good idea. He called his sister, Judi, and had a bit of a meltdown. Jim's not one to lay his feelings out on the table until the load becomes unbearable. WHY? I have no idea, but I'm SO glad his sister was able to talk to him.

He had a great conversation with Judi, and he felt a lot better by the time they got off the phone. Judi is the voice of compassionate reason in this ordeal. Which leads me to the second title of this post - what would we do without big sisters? When Jim was diagnosed, Judi did a ton of research and was able to ask the doctors pertinent questions while Jim and I were still dazed. Then she did more research on vitamins and supplements, all of which Jim has incorporated into his healing regime. She sends him weekly care packages with a healthy snack, other various pick-me-ups, recipes, research, and articles. She is trying desperately to win the funniest card contest. :) In the big contest, Judi wins for best big sister, best listener, best shoulder to cry on, best voice of calming reason, and best at expressing empathy. I aspire to be such a big sister.

Let me tell ya, going out for a glass of wine to blow off steam is not very effective when you come home to find the one you love is hurting. I have spent the entire day feeling guilty and second guessing myself. Why didn't I know he was upset? Why did I leave him alone? Who needs a stupid glass of wine anyway? Maybe the reality of it was that he needed me to leave the house so he could talk to someone a little more level-headed. Maybe he felt that showing me his feelings was too much. Maybe he just needed to talk to his big sister and no one else would do. Chances are I'll never know, seeing as how Jim's not much for discussing his feelings in-depth. I would love to get him on Dr. Phil to discuss his feelings. That would be Jim's living nightmare. Besides cancer, of course.

Today Jim felt flushed and light headed. He called the Vince Lombardi Cancer Clinic, explained his symptoms, and told them that waiting until the end of the week for the results of the stress test was probably not the best option for him. Brenda, his totally awesome nurse, checked with a doctor, called back and said: "Go on over to the cardiologist's office so that they can check you over and review the results of the stress test with you."

What she meant was: "Go to the cardiologist's office because we don't have the results right here in front of us, and it's really not our expertise anyway. They can squeeze you into the schedule right now, so it's a good time to go."

What Jim heard was: "Jim, there's something seriously wrong with your stress test. Get right over to the cardiologist's office so he can break the bad news."

What the cardiologist said was: "You did a superior amount of exercise on your stress test. We took a ton of pictures and they are all clear. You have a healthy heart, and you have excellent blood pressure because you're a runner."

Needless to say, we were very relieved. It's amazing what the mind can do. Whether it's healing us or hurting us, I don't think we realize how very powerful it is. It could be that many of these symptoms are chemo related, but there's also a very strong possibility that they are stress related. Especially the tightness in his chest. He hates wearing the pump, because he dreads the days that he gets sick. We will be working full-time on stress relieving measures for Jim. The nurse practitioner Cindy, said it best tonight, "Jim, you're under more pressure than any 37-year-old should ever have to bear. We cannot even imagine the stress you must be feeling. We are working hard to make you better." Aptly put.

Being at the Vince has a very calming effect. When we showed up there after seeing the cardiologist, his nurse, the nurse practitioner, and the clinical trial coordinator came out and talked to him. These people care about their patients. I don't know how anyone in the oncology field does it. Between his sister and the caring staff at the Vince, Jim's feeling a lot better. I'd like to say that I provided some source of comfort while he was so stressed out, but truth be told, it seems that he's relying on others right now. In some aspects I'm a little jealous, in most aspects I'm happy to share the load. I guess it's not about me, is it? I just hate to see him upset. This is a total departure from our normal home life - one where I'm the emotional neurotic and he calms me down. I'm not used to seeing Jim compromised physically or mentally.

Three cheers for our friends at the Vince Lombardi Cancer Clinic and for Jim's big sister, Judi.

Also of note - today was the first day since Jim's diagnosis that he didn't receive a card in the mail. I have to do a recount, but I believe we're somewhere around the 400-450 mark.