Date Night

Thursday we went to see the urologist. Jim had an ultrasound and the urologist basically said that we could wait a few weeks to have the stent put in. I was not happy with this information because we clearly have a difference of opinion from what they recommended at Northwestern. But Jim was delighted. I had the doctor's office fax all the notes to Northwestern, so that they could review his findings. We haven't heard back from them so I can only assume that they agree...but just in case, I'll call on Monday.

Jim is still not getting enough calories in every day. I am also going to be asking for intravenous nutrition. Mostly because I feel bad badgering him every 15 minutes to drink a shake. He's trying to drink more but sometimes his stomach just feels so full. Unfortunately Dr. Haid also told me that the ascites can build quickly so his abdomen may have to be drained again soon. Even worse, I told Jim that and he's already starting to feel uncomfortable. Hm. I should have told him that Dr. Haid told me it wouldn't build up for a long time.

Jim is sick of being prodded around. He got upset the other day because he had to have an ultrasound. As you know, an ultrasound is completely non-invasive. But the thought of one more test really sent Jim over the edge. He made it through the ultrasound, but it was a tough day.

In general, though, he's doing pretty well. One of the things that is tough for me, as I mentioned before, is that Jim and I don't get to do things together anymore. Last night The Bourne Ultimatum opened and I was hoping that Jim could go with me. I am a huge fan of The Jason Bourne series. Jim told me he might be able to go because he's feeling a little better, but it turned out that he wasn't feeling well enough. I was so disappointed. But I went to a scrapbooking night with a really great group of girls. I got a lot done and I felt good about that.

I'm not sure why I was upset that he couldn't go. We have more DVDs at home than we know what to do with - it's not like The Bourne Ultimatum won't come out on DVD around 3 weeks from now. I guess it's hard because if I'm paying a sitter, I want to spend that time with Jim. We're at a place right now where I can't leave the kids alone with Jim for long. It's okay for a run to Target or something like that, but not for 6 hours of scrapbooking. I have a great crowd of girlfriends, but Jim is and always has been the number one person that I like to spend my time with. He's always come first in my social life. Getting a sitter means "date night" to me. Date night is something I really miss. It's not like we did it that often before, but now we don't get to do it at all, so it really bugs me. And there's so many things associated with date night - fun, talk, dinner, and lots of laughing. Laughter is something of a glue in our marriage. I miss just talking and laughing about normal stuff. It's really hard to get Jim to laugh anymore. (Rachel took this picture of me.)

Laughing and talking is a kind of intimacy that suffers with cancer. We're still talking, of course...and it seems that our marriage is stronger for this whole experience. At least now we know what we're made of. But sometimes it's the little things that slip away that hurt. Going to see a movie is not a luxury we indulge in often, so when we do get to do something like that, I want it to be with him.