Doing things for me

So when I posted my epiphany blog on August 17, I guess I didn't realize how much I was effected by the revelations of that day until a little later. I decided that it's time to do some things for me. I came up with two biggies.

1. I joined a gym. With babysitting. It's a really nice gym. I resisted joining in the past because I felt like I should be working out/be a member at the YMCA for my kids. But Rachel is at school full time now, and two years ago Jake got norovirus while he was in babysitting there. (I can't prove it, but I swear it's true.) Any babysitting is yuck, but the Y really pushes my limits. Anyway, this babysitting is much nicer. Also, I am freaked out by working out in Kohler. Because:

a. I really want to just work out. I don't like to stand there and chit-chat while I'm all sweaty and miserable. And,

b. I'm filled with dread at the notion of pretty much everyone I know seeing me work out, all sweaty and miserable. And 80% of the Village of Kohler belongs to this gym. And about 50% of Sheboygan.

I tried walking/running outside with Jake, but he can only make it around 2 miles before he starts to melt down. I was miserable walking him and it finally got to the point where I was just avoiding the walks altogether.

So far I've lost 4 lbs. Since September 5. Not too bad. Enough to make me keep going! And although it's a drawback that I know a lot of people there, it can also be an advantage in that if I stop going eventually people will say to me "Hey, I haven't seen you at Sports Core lately...?" Guilt. Great motivation. And, my friend Lisa gave me great advice..."If you don't want to chat, just keep your iPod on the whole time." So far, so good.

I've felt selfish leaving Jake in babysitting in the past. I don't feel that way anymore. Something lit the lightbulb in my head and I got it. He seems to have a lot of fun at this babysitting, which helps my psyche and my guilt a lot. He marches right in there with his little Diego backpack and he's ready to rumble.

2. I bought a car. On eBay. It's a 1979 VW Beetle Convertible. Here's a pic!

It might sound rash (because I haven't mentioned it to many people - see paragraph below on why), but in reality I've been doing research for more than a month. Did you know that eBay is the #1 car dealer in the country? And that they sell more cars before 9:00am than the average dealership sells in a year? And typically the cars are exactly as described on eBay, because the sellers need to keep up their feedback rating so that others will buy from them. And eBay has a $50,000 Buyers Protection Program. So if something is vastly wrong with the car and it poops out in the next 30 days, I will be refunded the money.

A 1979 Beetle gets about 25 miles to the gallon. Do you know what I'm driving now? A Chevy Tahoe that gets around 16 miles to the gallon. But I didn't buy it for the gas mileage. I bought it for me. For fun.

I know what's coming on Wednesday. And if I'm going to meltdown all day (hopefully I'll be okay, but there's bound to be tears shed at some point) then I'll be darned, I'm going to drive around crying in a fun car.

Before you say it, I'll address it - the reason I haven't told anyone is because I just don't want to hear it. No one ever asks a man who buys an old car how they're going to take care of it or what they'll do if it breaks down. I'm not going to be driving this thing cross country. I live in Sheboygan, people. If it breaks down I can walk home. And truthfully? I don't leave Kohler four days out of seven. So then no matter where I might break down in Kohler, it's a half mile home. Maybe .75 if I get crazy and drive over to the "south side" of Kohler

I've always had a thing for cars. I guess it started with my first car - a convertible Cavalier - we named him Jerry. I have relationships with my cars. For some people, a car is for getting from Point A to Point B. (I'm looking at you, Judi!) For me, a car is like another home. It's a reflection of my personality. (It doesn't have to be a status car, but it does have to be a good color - take into consideration my poop-brown Chevy Cavalier that I disliked immensely.) It's someplace I can go to be alone. Or to listen to my music - loud. I've always considered driving a privilege. I take care of my cars (except the interior of the Tahoe, which always seems to be littered with Goldfish crumbs. Or worse). And I really enjoy driving them.

A VW wasn't my first choice. My first choice was a 1969 Camaro - black. But this one? It's already at $24,000. And they can get really pricey. This one would be cheap. Jim was so excited when I told him I wanted a Camaro. And then we started looking at them. Jim nearly fell over when he saw the prices and told me to forget it. He also found it very humorous that I wanted a Camaro. He used to tease me and say "Kate, a Camaro isn't going to make you a bad a$#." I know. Sort of. But maybe it would. And wouldn't it be fun to be a bad a$#? A VW Beetle? Does not project bad a$#. Maybe it's a good thing. Because I could see me really getting into the speed of a Camaro. I'm guessing the Beetle doesn't go really fast. It probably goes 0-60 in about 5 minutes. But it's so cute!

The thing is that Jim and I have talked about a fun car for years. He nearly cried when my folks sold the Fiat I was driving. (It was their car, on loan to me permanently for around 2 years.) And at the beginning of August I found a book in the basement that Jim must have bought years ago - "How to Rebuild Your VW Engine". That sort of kicked off me thinking about it. And then I saw one while Up North and I knew that's what I wanted to do for myself.

I wrestled for a long time with how I would feel driving the car without Jim. After all, it was one of our plans together. But I shot sporting clays this summer without him and although I was sad, it felt really good. I wrestled with whether or not people would think I'm grieving "enough" or the "right way" if I got the car before a year was up. But then I decided that it's sort of like what people say about having a baby - "there's never a perfect moment". Will the car make me less sad? Nope. Will I grieve less? Nope. I'll just be driving in a car that's fun for me. And if I could let the grief go for the daily 10 minutes I buzz around Kohler with the top down, then wouldn't that be a good thing?

Wednesday is coming and I feel sad in my heart. I miss him something terrible. I've eaten my way through the summer in grief. And I don't want to be a fattie driving around in my VW. So I'm going to drive my new car over to my new gym and work out. And that's that.