This blog is for Jim Marventano's family and friends to review his status and updates while he goes through treatment for Stage IV Colon Cancer. We can beat it together!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Setting Jim free

Before Jim passed away, he asked to be cremated and he asked to have his ashes scattered up in Northern Wisconsin, on Forest Lake.

Jim always complained that he didn't get a cake on his birthday as a kid. His birthday is May 28, and it inevitably fell on a Memorial Day weekend, so his family would be out camping. Let's be clear - he got a cake for his birthday. Birthdays are a pretty big deal at the Marventano household, so I seriously cannot imagine that his family ever once blew off his birthday. They probably just celebrated when they got home or something like that. It's not like his mom could whip up a cake in the woods. In any case, he complained about it as an adult. So every year I tried to make a big deal of his birthday. This year was no exception.

I thought that an appropriate time to scatter Jim's ashes would be over Memorial Day weekend so that we could all be together over a long weekend and celebrate Jim's birthday. We got him a birthday cake with a deer on it and sang him Happy Birthday. I cannot believe he's 39. I still remember my brothers freaking out when he turned 25, saying "Oh my God, you're so OLD. You're like a quarter of a century! You're ancient!" I didn't envision his 39th birthday this way, but we do the best we can with what we've got. I still wanted to celebrate Jim.

The Marventanos all drove to my house on Friday and spent the night. Then we all drove up north together on Saturday afternoon. We spent a lovely weekend playing outside, watching movies, reading, eating, and relaxing. The kids were so excited to see their Mimi and Papa, Aunt Judi and Uncle Mark, and of course, her cousins Kirsten and Sean. (Rachel said to me - "I can't wait to see Kirsten. And I already know mom, she's a teenager!")

I was terrified and relieved to scatter the ashes. I have been staring at the urn up on my mantle since September. I've been talking to his ashes and I've been kind of funny about where I'll place the urn. I hate putting the urn on the floor of the car when I have to take it somewhere - I would never ask Jim to ride on the floor of the car. Then again, strapping it in with a seatbelt seems like I'd be taken to a rubber room if anyone ever caught me. I've felt badly about Jim's ashes being trapped in the urn. After all, Jim was an outdoor guy. Having him trapped in a box didn't seem like the right thing to do. (Which is why I also suppose he wanted to be cremated.)

We all got a chance to let some of Jim's ashes go into the lake. We went out on the pontoon boat to an area the he'd previously scuba dived, and decided to start there. It was a very sad event. I suggested that each person could say something if they wanted, or they could just be silent. We all took turns - it was a lot of ashes. I tried hard to think of letting the ashes go as setting him free. He wouldn't have wanted to be kept in a box, but at the same time, releasing those ashes felt like we were letting him go as well. I think part of the fear is that people will forget. He's not here anymore to remind us how spectacular he is. Will other people remember? It seemed as though we were letting go of one more reminder. But in reality, it's not like there's any less of him here now that we've scattered the ashes. He's stronger in my mind because I know he's happy. We've followed his wishes and he's with nature - exactly how he loved to be.

Celebrating Jim is something that I plan to do for the rest of our lives. I want my children to know how wonderful he is. How he lives on in nature and in our hearts. His birthday will forever be a special day. I cannot imagine the mixed emotions his mother went through this year - the awe and gratitude for the gift of a healthy, happy child. Parental pride as a boy develops into a man. Mourning the loss of a life ended too soon. Remembering your child's birth day is such a treasure - remembering the first moment you heard the cries, the first time you get to hold them, the overwhelming sense of thankfulness and happiness.

Jim left this world knowing that he is deeply loved. Perhaps that's the best birthday gift any of us could ever ask for. Scattering his ashes and celebrating the extraordinary man he is, with his family and mine, seems to be the best thing we could do on such a day. Happy 39th birthday, Jim. You'll live on in our hearts forever. May peace and grace be yours as you reconnect with nature and grant us the freedom to set your spirit free.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kate, no one will ever forget how spectacular Jim was!!! I can't imagine how hard it was doing that,but you (the Marventanos, and anyone who even knew Jimmy) will be OK! We can all get through this together. The memories and sharing them will make us smile and keep him close to our hearts forever. Aunt Janet & Uncle Jim, I love you... Kate, I admire you, Judi, Mark, Kirsten and Shaun, you're doing great. Kate's family, you are such a big help through all of this and we all appreciate it so much! Happy Birthday Jimmy...we miss you!!! Jeri

10:59 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish you peace, Kate.

8:30 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So beautifully written. Jim was very lucky, too, to have you as his wife.

2:40 PM

 
Blogger Judester said...

It was the perfect day...if there is such a day for something no one ever wants to have to do. It was sunny, but cool. A flannel shirt and jeans day - Jim's favorite. Eagles soared in the sky; almost as if they were watching us set Jim free. No one else was on the lake. It was Jim's special time. I'm sure he would have thought it exactly as he envisioned it. Thank you for making it happen.

Love - Jude

3:29 PM

 
Blogger Judester said...

Oh and just for the record, as Jimmy seems to have skewed it a bit in his retelling of his youth - Mom always had a cake for him on his birthday...even if we were camping. The entire church group even sang him Happy Birthday around the campfire each year. It bugged him that he had to wait until June for his birthday party with his friends. And like any great Jimmy tale, he exaggerated slightly for effect. He probably LOVED how you really played up his birthday - ON HIS BIRTHDAY - so that was incentive enough to go a little overboard on the "Oh, we always went camping on my birthday." story. :-)

3:37 PM

 
Blogger Kate said...

LOL - Jude, I *knew* there was more to it...I just didn't think to ask anyone to corroborate his story. ;)

8:33 PM

 
Blogger Unknown said...

Kate-
That sounds beautiful! I had to tell you I had a dream about Jim last night that I had completely forgotten until I read your post. Now I had not seen Jim since we all lived on Beaver Creek and he would say hello on his way by. But there he was in the middle of my dream, that had nothing to do with him. I walked over to him and he smiled at me, looking just like he did the last time I saw him. I said "You look so much better than the last picture I saw of you." He just smiled, nodded his head and walked away. And my dream went back to the school library reading to 6 year olds. Very nice.
By the way, he not only got sung to, but the whole weekend was one big party, with parades and playing in the sand pit. They were very fun weekends.


Christine

9:07 PM

 
Blogger Unknown said...

Kate,
After my mothers body was used for science, the hospital called and told me her ashes were ready. I said they could UPS them, but Cheryl had a fit. She went down to Albany Med and picked up the ashes. On the way out of the parking lot the attendant asked what she was there for. She said she was just there to get her mom. Imagine his surprise when he couldn't see anyone in the car with her. She said she talked to mom all the way home. She hoped she woldn't have an accident. She was in a convertible and wasn't sure where mom would end up if she was in a crash. As it turned out, we made plans to bury moms ashes with dad on what day?-9/11. We buried her and let the world handle the other crisis of the day.
Tonia

12:14 PM

 
Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

A lake in Wisconsin is where I'd like to be set free.

I got a little teary reading this, Kate. Jim was a great guy who touched a lot of people. We only got to know you guys a short time before you moved, but he made a big impression on us. He has a lot of people to keep his memory alive.

Hugs to you.

11:43 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,  This is from Kristen (Heinrich) Walton, from SRU, all those years ago.  I have been following your blog for the past year or so but never posted any comments before.  I just wanted to tell you that you are  an inspiration to every kind of woman in every kind of situation.    Personally, your blog makes me stop in my tracks and thank God for what I have, no matter what kind of day its been. Each time I read your latest blog, I wished that there was something that I could say or do that would make everything better, even just for a minute or two. It was a surreal experience, reading thru this time w/ you.  I just kept thinking that this was "supposed to" happen to someone I knew, someone so young, someone whose family was so much like mine.  And it certainly wasn't "supposed to" end this way. Cancer was for "old" people, people who didn't take care of themselves, people who smoked or drank or something...  something that Jim was not.  Each time I checked the blog, I fully expect THIS blog to be the one where you're celebrating Jim's full recovery and planning a trip somewhere fabulous w/ the kids.   I hope that you do publish your blog...it would make a great book.  Know that you and your family are in our prayers and that you should be so proud of yourself for what you have accomplished, with the amount of grace, humor and candor that you did it with.  Your children are lucky to have such an amazing mom.  With our love and prayers, Kristen & family

7:05 PM

 

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