Celebrating Jim

Here we are on the 17th. I can't believe it's been a year. It's been the longest year and the shortest year of my life. (Although I said that during his year of treatment, so it's a toss up.) Leaning more toward the long side. It was a rough road without Jim.

When I started the day, I intended to be totally positive. But you know what got to me? Wal-Mart. We were out of some staples and I stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up milk, juice, etc. I sat in the car for a minute and watched the people go in and out at 8:15am - busy as can be.

Don't these people know what day it is?

On this day last year, we lost the person I loved most in the world. On this day last year, his parents felt the dull roar in their hearts that continues to this day. On this day last year, we lost a daddy, a son-in-law, a brother, a brother-in-law, an uncle, a friend.

On this day last year I was stricken with grief for the life lost, and relief for my dear husband who struggled through a year of intensive treatment.

This day last year did not sum up the whole of Jim's life. It was a fleeting moment in his existence that was a life magnanimous.

Today although we mourned the loss of Jim, we also chose to celebrate his life. We did a balloon release with a bunch of Rachel's little friends from school. It was wonderful. Brief - but wonderful. I didn't think I could handle a long party with 30 kids running around, so we shortened it down to 45 minutes. That was plenty long! The kids played on the swingset and in the neighbors yard, they ran around, colored pictures and tied them to balloons. We let the balloons go around 4:00. It was beautiful.

The kids might not know exactly what this day means. The people that shopped at Wal-Mart, went to work, or took a vacation today didn't know what this day meant. Life goes on and moves forward. We are moving with it. For some of us, the day was a little slower today. Not every moment was crystal clear in our minds. We felt sickened with sadness and grief, knowing that a full year has passed after we lost someone we love. Gradually our lives will pick up. We'll move at the same pace as the current life that everyone else is living. But for today, we were destined to drift - to float like a balloon.

Rachel's balloon release was just the thing for today. A celebration of Jim, sending notes to heaven to tell him we love him. I believe we'll drift for a while, but eventually life will pull us back.

Miss you, Lambchop.