3:30am thoughts of a neurotic widow/mom

Sleeping peacefully in my bed when I hear Jake cry out. Maybe he'll stop. I just lay there hoping he'll just fall back asleep. His cries get more insistent. Finally, he starts calling for Daddy. Poops. I need to get up. I get him settled back down and to sleep. Rachel wakes up and wants to sleep with me. She'll kick me all night. I get her settled and back to sleep. In her bed, not mine. I snuggle back into my bed. But my eyes are wide open now.

Why did he call for Daddy? Am I placing too much emphasis on a father that isn't coming home? It's not like he's just gone on a business trip.

Just go to sleep, Kate. Worry about it tomorrow.

If I keep sleeping on my side am I going to pinch a nerve in my arm? Remember how that happened after Jake was born?

Why am I still sleeping on one side of the bed when I know perfectly well he can't come back? Will I ever move to the middle of the bed?

Why does Rachel try and sleep with me? Is it because half the bed is open, or because she's lacking something because her father isn't here?

Did I sign all of Rachel's permission slips and put everything in her school folder?

If I move to the middle of the bed, is that a statement that I've given up hope that I'll ever share the bed again?

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. But wait, I don't want people to think I'm just looking for a dad for my kids, either. I'd rather be alone than in a lackluster relationship.

I wonder if I'll really learn to fix the VW engine? It seemed to be idling high the other day. And where the heck is the title? I've been hanging around by the mailbox.

Good heavens, Kate, are you going to waste sleep time thinking about this stuff? GO TO SLEEP.

Am I so chicken that I can't make my way over to LTC to find out about nursing school?

But I sure could use a hug. Physical contact would be *really* welcome. Not that I'm desperate. I'm not.

I hope I get a job. But if I get a job, how will I manage all the stuff I've volunteered for at school? What if I don't get a job? How will I balance a job and school? I don't have a very good study ethic.

I've lost a lot of weight. I like the gym. Good thing I only ate two cookies tonight. I don't want to ruin it now.

Okay, I need to relax. I'll say my prayers again.

God, thanks all the blessings in my life. Thank you for my beautiful children. They are a wonderful reminder of their Daddy. Thank you for giving me love at least once in my life. Thank you for new opportunities every day. Thank you for my health and the ability to move forward in life.