How come I can't shake it?

It's like a cold. This depression just won't go away. Tomorrow it will be a year and a half since he died. It started setting in around Wednesday or Thursday. I knew it was coming and truthfully, I didn't make an effort to avoid it this time. I just let it wash over me and so far it has ruined five days of my life.

I can't escape the "feeling sorry for myself" thoughts. My life is ruined. My kids lives are ruined. Cancer ruined our lives in a blink of an eye. Cancer ruined Jim's life even faster than that.

Why didn't I avoid it? If there's one thing I'm good at, it's avoiding. Avoiding depression, avoiding the stack of dishes in the sink, avoiding the truth that he isn't coming back. I knew it was coming. I didn't have a sitter for Friday night but I thought it would be okay just this once. To stay in and just rest. But it was too much like after he died. The house was too quiet. It was too dark outside. Any kind of noise seemed to be blaring in my ear. I should have known better.

I started going out the month after the one year anniversary. So it's been nearly six months that I've been going out and having "fun". But what is fun without my husband? If he were here, I wouldn't choose to go out. I'd choose to get a movie out of that red vending machine at Wal-Mart and we'd snuggle down and watch it. I'd choose to make a dinner with him and we'd have fun talking and just making the dinner. I'd choose to get in bed early and read next to him while he flips though a Family Handyman magazine. I loved that sound. The sound of him relaxed, next to me in bed. The gentle in-and-out breath and the flick of magazine pages.

I can keep running from the depression. And I don't really think it's harmful to run from it. After all, when I let go and let it get to me I end up suffering for days on end. And my house suffers too. You should see my house. It's...unbelievable. My house is always messy. It's just not my thing. I'm the sort of person that wonders why I should make the bed if I'm just going to get in it that night. I also wonder why I have to pick up toys, etc. when I know the minute I pick them up the kids are just going to drag them out again. Anyway - the house is a mess. It doesn't get this bad when I don't let the depression get me. Now I'll spend several days trying to get it back to a state of semi-picked up, which is where it is normally.

Today is better. The last several days I've had a black cloud looming over me. Sort of like the worst part of the cold. Now I just have a residual headache and lump in my throat. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel today. But why does it take so long to get to the darn light?

I did go out Saturday night and that helped. But I'd already let it get to me, so it just dulled the pain - didn't fix it. In another day or so I know I'll be back on the ball and raring to go. I'll be wanting to make positive changes in my life and trying to move forward. Maybe in the meantime I should enjoy the depression or wallow in it or something like that. But I loathe it. I don't like my kids to see me upset.

Can I tell you how amazing my daughter is? Want to hear the two things she's said to me lately that just knocked my socks off?

1. We were riding in the car a week or so ago and she said "Mom. Just so you know, I've been listening to you on the phone and I know you're still very sad about Daddy. It's very sad. But you know what? It's a good thing you get to go out and have fun and date Mr. K." Whoa. Did that just come out of the mouth of a 5 year old? I started laughing and crying at the same time.

2. This weekend I was in tears sitting on the couch and I told her I was sad because I missed her Daddy. She looked at me very matter-of-factly and said "Well mom, no matter what you do, he's not coming back." Youch. There's a dose of my own medicine right there.

Depression stinks. I know it will go away. And if it doesn't go away on it's own, I can thank my lucky stars that I have my daughter here to beat it out of me!