Happy New Year

It is a new year. I am sincerely hoping that 2009 will be better than 2008. Not that 2008 was really bad for us. Just that it was a time of adjustment and mourning. Another year rung in. Do people remember how special he was? Do they know I still miss him every second of every day? Do they know it knocks the wind out of me to overhear Rachel say "I don't have a dad..." to a little friend?

I know the new year is supposed to be a time for new beginnings. And I'm trying. I really am. In fact I'm pretty much using every method possible to try and let go of some of the hurt. But you know what? It just doesn't fix it. He's still not here. He's not here. My life and my kids lives are void of that man that created them and brought warmth and love to our household like no other.

Rachel asked me tonight when she was getting a new daddy. She's asked me that a few times. I told her it would be a long, long time. That I might not ever find someone to love like I love her daddy. And then she said "well why do you still love him? He's not here." It's at the most unexpected times that it hits home. That one felt like a really hard pinch. I tried to explain to her that we loved daddy because he was daddy and no one would ever take his place in our hearts. That if someday I find a new daddy, he will have a different place in our hearts.

The rollercoaster has really been up and down the last several weeks. I guess because of the holidays. I had a few days right before Christmas that I could barely breathe. I couldn't leave the house for a day or so because I kept crying. I fight the depression really hard, but sometimes it just catches up with me. I have a sick feeling in my stomach tonight. Here it comes. It's like a fast moving black fog that I'm trying to stay just ahead of. Christmas day it caught up with me again - I was sullen and withdrawn after opening gifts. We got home and the first thing I did was take down the tree. Rachel said "but mom, we don't have to take it down yet!" "Christmas is over!" I snapped back. What a scrooge.

I feel empty all the time. I resent not having an adult to talk to at night. That's the thing - it's not like I'd be having deep philosophical discussions with him every night, but that's not what makes a marriage. What makes a marriage is still caring and listening through the more mundane talks about the office, the dogs, the kids. Still finding and feeling that love no matter what. I often feel guilty for the number of sitters I get. A couple of people have even made joking comments about it. But for the most part, I am here alone with a 2 and 5 year old. If I don't force myself out of the house or get a sitter and go out, I'm on my own. And let's face it - that could drive anyone mad. That's what I miss. "Hi honey, how was your day?" A kiss on the cheek or a warm hug when he got home. I miss talking to an adult about the trivial things.

I'm working on going back to school. I'm excited about that. Jake is literally potty training himself. Amazing. Rachel has been doing little performances for us with her new High School Musical microphone. Every day things move forward. It's the start of another year. Without him. Without the one I love.