That Lonely Sinking Feeling

There's a song by the Cowboy Junkies that perfectly describes my emotion at some times. It's almost manic with my highs and lows. I'm giddy with the possibilities of going out and having fun. The next moment I realize *why* I'm going out and having fun, and I come crashing down. The song's words are:

She says, "I'm getting that lonely sinking feeling, You know what I mean?"
With his hand on her back he's thinking,"Where does that leave me?"
Just when I think I've uncovered the secret
To peace and tranquility
That lonely sinking feeling creeps up on me

He says, "I'm seeing those doubt filled Questioning eyes
And I can't believe it's true"
With her head in her hands she sighs,
"It's me, not you"

It's not like I have anyone to be talking to about at this point - it's more the feeling of the song. The abject sadness in her voice speaks to my very core and it seems that this song was written for me. It's how I felt before I met Jim. All the time. Just when I thought I'd found someone, I knew it was all wrong. And it wasn't them, it was me. And that's how I feel now. It's just all wrong. I'm so angry with him for leaving me. I know it wasn't his choice but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm angry that I'm lonely. I'm angry that I still cry at night. I'm angry that I can't just zone out and watch tv. And the worst part is that although I feel surface anger at Jim, it's not like this is a divorce I'm suffering through. There's no one to blame except cancer. I can't really be angry at Jim. I love him. I'm angry at him because I still love him.

I know there aren't any right answers. And maybe that's why Lonely Sinking Feeling really speaks to me. With Jim , it all seemed right. Jim put the world in order for me. Literally, but more important, figuratively. I can't expect that from someone else. I haven't had the Lonely Sinking Feeling in years. And here we are.