Here it comes

Last year I was sort of ready for Christmas. I was sad and numb, but I knew making it through that first year would be tough. It was tough, but Christmas day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was a couple of days after Christmas that was so hard. The quiet set in and the letdown began. I'd steeled my emotions only as far as Christmas day - not as far as the 27th or 28th.

14 days ago I thought I'd march into December and just tackle it the best I could, but here I am on the 14th and I'm starting to lose steam. We got a tree. I hung up most of our Christmas decorations. We've been listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks. I ordered Christmas cards. But...my heart just isn't in it this year. Last year I mentioned that Christmas was really Jim's thing. Those are shoes I just can't step up to fill yet.

You know what's silly? I absolutely refuse to hang lights on the outside of my house. We used to have the prettiest house at Christmas. We hung a wreath on every single window outside and a matching one on the front door. We put up garland with lights through it around the front door. And we hung garland from out balcony over our screened porch. We put candles in every single window. Last year I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to ask for help. This year I just won't do it on principle. I am extraordinarily annoyed that he isn't here.

I was out there yelling at him as I shoveled a foot of snow off our sidewalk. I would have gladly gone out there had he been here. But he's not here. As I was out there shoveling (in a foot of snow as it was still falling) I saw a neighbor that I typically only wave to and yelled "This is crazy!" and she yelled back "I know! I tried to shovel but it was too hard so I'm waiting till my husband gets home!" Hit me like a punch in the stomach. She didn't know. Of course she didn't know. But I stood there reeling for a second after she pulled away in her car.

Lately I've noticed that I've been hanging on to the words "it's not fair" good and tight. Duh. We know life isn't fair. I often wonder if I'm going to get over that fairness thing. And I've wondered a lot why I've been hanging on to that lately. I'm really not sure why. Is it because of the Christmas decorations? Is it because of the snow? Maybe it's because I started dating and I'm drudging up a lot of weird emotions (which, by the way, is tons of fun for the poor saps that have been interested in me thus far).

I put the Volkswagen up for the winter today, and I was all in a snit about that. I couldn't figure out how to use the hydraulic jack and my neighbor, good man that he is, came over and helped me. We got the whole thing done in about 20 minutes. Alone it would have taken me hours and I would have been out there fooling around with it like a trained monkey. So I'm annoyed that I keep having to borrow other people's husbands. And a guy I'm dating offered to help me with it (he's handy - oh, I get all the good ones!) and I turned him down because I didn't want him to witness one of my temper tantrums should something go awry. I reserve those and let those festivals of fun out on my parents and no one else. And possibly my neighbors (I haven't unleashed the tantrums on them, but they may have inadvertently witnessed one or two. Or more.) - hence the reason I quote my neighbor as a good man - he came over and helped me quite possibly knowing that a temper tantrum could ensue.

It's been more than a year and I'm still holding on to "it's not fair". I'm still pouting and refusing to put up Christmas decorations. I do feel as though I'm moving forward - I see signs of positive change, but I'm also still out there yelling at Jim as I shovel. I'm still talking to him on the quiet nights. I'm still saying "Oh my Goodness, did you just see that Jim?!?!" Today I was talking about him with someone and I accidentally referred to him the present tense. That's awkward. Then I realize what I've done and I pause, trying to figure out if I should go back and correct myself or just let it go.

I can't change the coming of every holiday. I'll know better this year that it's not just about Christmas - it's about the whole time between Christmas and New Years. After 9/11 Jim and I pretty much stopped going out on New Years. We went out of a few times, but for some reason, going out after 9/11 just seemed wrong to us. And most years I'm up at my folks house anyway. (Last year I got into the champagne and had a party for one by drinking enough for three - I shan't be doing that again...) This year I'll be home. I'm a little worried. I don't want to go out. I don't want to stay in. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone but Jim.

I know it's coming. I can deal. Some days I can bound out to the mailbox and get ready to open other people's Christmas cards with their fabulous family photos. Some days I don't get the mail because I just don't feel like it. Most days I'm just hanging on, still, to "it's not fair". Maybe fairness will come around in 2009. Maybe instead of wishing for Peace and Goodwill Toward Men, I'll wish for Peace, Fairness and Goodwill Toward Men. That's not too tall of an order for this season, is it?