Yeah, therapy is worth it

In the past I've associated therapy with...you know, crazy people. (Like I'm not crazy?!) Nonetheless, starting therapy wasn't easy for me. I went to a therapist shortly after Jim died that I liked, but I didn't feel that I was taking away from my sessions what I could. I decided to try again with a new therapist that someone recommended to me.

I like this therapist. She's everything I'm not. Soft-spoken. Delicate. Thoughtful. Something about her makes me really quiet down. Take a moment. Listen. Think.

When I saw her last week, I explained to her that I've really been struggling with Jim. I'm struggling getting by most days without him. I miss him so much it sickens me. I watch my kids missing him and that sickens me even more. I am angry and mournful. This is not the life I was planning on.

I have been struggling with this, in part, because I've really been enjoying my time with Eric. If I'm having such fun with Eric, how can I still feel so sick and miserable without Jim? I never compare them. They are two totally different men. There's literally almost nothing similar about them, save for a unique ability to put up with me. When I hang out with Eric, I'm not sad about Jim. We have a great time laughing and talking, and he listens to my stories about Jim. There are a lot of stories about Jim, of course.

So when I talked to the therapist about it last week, she suggested that I am perhaps waiting for some sort of a milestone or event before I can give up some of my misery. Know what the number one thing she pointed out was? If you call our home phone, Jim's voice is still on the voicemail. I just haven't been able to take it off yet. But her suggestion wasn't that it was a physical milestone or event - it's perhaps a mental milestone or event I'm waiting for. Okay. That makes sense to me.

I thought about that a lot. I meditated on it. In the morning when I got up, I decided that perhaps it IS a mental block I'm trying to get past - but that quite possibly my mental hurdle is also caused by some of the physical hurdles I've allowed to continue on in the house. I think I mentioned that I moved Jim's tools a few months ago. That was tough. But you know, it's a change. Maybe what I need is a bit of a change. So I finally, after 2 years, packed up his boxers and tshirts. I saved a few, but not many. Somehow, Jim actually used more drawer space than me. After he died I cleared out his shirts, pants (I'm having the shirts and pants made into quilts for the kids), and socks, but hung on to some of his stuff. I just wasn't ready to get rid of things that were so distinctly...Jim. Up until this past week he's actually still had around 40% of the drawer space in our house!

So I'm hoping that maybe making some physical changes will help me overcome some of the mental issues. That being said, I'm going to be taking Jim's voice off our voicemail soon. If you would like to hear Jim's voice, please call the house during the day over the next week or two. I'll change the message when I muster the gumption. Making changes is difficult. I miss him so much. With every step I wonder if I'm letting more of him go. But I also don't want to continue on in the same misery I'm feeling now.