Missing Him

This post isn't to say that I'm not doing well. I am. We have a lot of happy times around here and we've been enjoying our summer.

But lately, I am overwhelmed with disappointment when I realize that he is, in fact, not coming back. I actually still find myself wondering when he's coming home.

I have decided to start therapy again. I need some help. We are approaching the three year mark of Jim's passing and I still hurt just as much, despite my best efforts to be happy. And it's honestly not that I'm not happy. I have a lot going on - lots of positive things to look forward to. The kids are great and I am trying to be grateful for what I have. But sometimes it's easy to lose sight of what I do have and just wallow in the disappointment that my every plan for the future was wrapped up in someone who has passed away. My daily life was focused on three people - and now we're down to two. And much as I love my kids, it was Jim that made my days worth living. He was my rock, my safe haven, and he recharged my batteries. It's just a different relationship with kids. We are there to recharge their batteries - not to draw from them.

We won the title "Best in Show" for our corrugated boat. Jim would have loved to have been there. He would have been in that boat and dressed as a viking in a heartbeat. And he would have reveled in the sheer silliness of it all.

Lately I desperately wish things could just go back to the way they were. On September 12, 2006 Jim seemed perfectly fine and healthy. On September 13, 2006, he was sick as a dog and we had to bring him to the emergency room. Not that I would want him to go back to living unknowingly with cancer. But I want to go back to that moment when he was healthy. Before the cancer started. When we were a family. When I had my best friend and my husband.

Every day is a chance to make a new start and I'm really striving for that. But oh, how I miss making that new start with Jim.