Overindulging

As I've mentioned many a time, moderation is not my forte. It isn't for any Ferguson, truly. There may be those of us that can moderate what we eat or drink, how much we exercise or our tempers. But you'd better believe that all Fergusons struggle with moderating some element in our lives.

I run around with a pretty cool group here in Kohler. There are no dummies in this group. These are people I sought out because they are interesting and fun, smart and witty. Make no mistake, when crisis breaks out, these people know what to do. Sometimes I wonder and laugh about why they hang out with me. Because when I've had it up to my eyeballs with kids and the house and the everyday mire that seems to be my life, I don't do what they do. They would make lists, sit down, evaluate, reevaluate, meditate and pray. You know what I do? Head for the bar and drink too much. Gotta tell you, it's not the best coping mechanism. Especially since like most Fergusons, I easily let go of my temper when I've been drinking.

This weekend was a total bomb in terms of my behavior. I let loose on Friday like I haven't in a long time. I paid for it on Saturday. As I laid there sick yesterday, I wondered why I seem to be the only one that can't cope with everyday life. Because my life isn't harder than anyone elses. If we have even a modicum of control over our destiny, then you'd think I'd want to get a handle on mine. I think I've been trying to do that, but right when I think I've got a few things under control, I let go of it all and have a night like I did Friday. It's almost like I'm afraid of getting control. Maybe if I get control of my life I'll have to...what? Be responsible? Stop drinking? Try harder? Do things I don't want to do, like edging the lawn? I'll have to...commit to something or someone for more than 10 minutes? Give in and admit I need help even if I do have it together? Stop eating Doritos straight out of the bag?

I am feeling sorry for myself. I miss Jim. Lately I've been angry at him for not being here. Because if he were here I'd never have had a night like I did on Friday. (Yep, easy to blame him when he's not here!!!!) Yesterday I spoke to my mom in tears, told her what I had done, and she pointed out that everyone has their own stupid way of dealing. Yes, some people are truly at peace and don't overindulge in anything. But most people have *something*...they bite their nails, they overeat, they buy (or steal) trinkets that they won't use, they smoke...whatever it is, almost everyone has something. It doesn't make mine any more excusable, but it does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one.

When Rachel has a bad day I always try and tell her "Tomorrow is a new day. Only you can decide how it's going to be." I can't control anything but my own behavior. So tomorrow is a new day. I will decide how it's going to be. I am going to pull myself up and try again. Moderation: look out. I'll catch up with you yet.