It's a sh*tty reason to have a great party

I went to the funeral for my relative that passed away this weekend. It was my first funeral since Jim died. In some aspects, it was harder than I thought it would be. In some aspects, it was easier.

One thing I have to say for my family - when push comes to shove, the Fergusons know how to pull it together as a family. Over the years there has been conflict. But come on, what family doesn't have conflict? We Fergusons are intense group of people, and as I may have said in the past, there is no "Medium" setting for the Fergusons. We are either set to "Stop" or "Full Speed Without Second Thoughts or Looking Where We're Going".

We view moderation as a silly notion for the weak.

It was good to memorialize such a strong member of the family this weekend. People have a tendency to paint a picture of the person that died that is so rosy that sometimes it doesn't actually resemble who the person was in life. Well, this was a very realistic memorial - the laughs and the fun were in recognizing how very intense we all are - how intense my relative that passed away was. The stories and the Jamesons flowed. It was fun to hear stories about my father and my uncles when they were kids. And to see how some of the craziness got passed on to me, my brothers and my cousins. Being with one of my brothers and my cousins was a delightful treat.

I felt such sadness for my relatives that are left without their loved one. Of course he was a loved one to all of us, but when all is said and done, the rest of us get to pack up our things and go home to our normal lives. Their lives are permanently altered. It's not the funeral or the weekend that is the hardest - during that time you're completely numb. I think I have mentioned a number of times that I honestly barely remember a darn thing about Jim's memorial service. I know people came to my house after, but I have no idea who. I know my friends made all the food and made every single one of the arrangements. I was just so stunned I was lucky I knew my own name. It's the time after the weekend. Everyone goes home. The house is quiet. Reality starts to set in. You go to pick up the phone to call your loved one and realize it's not an option. You wonder why they are taking so long in the bathroom and realize that they are actually gone.

Everyone says things like "You are so strong" and you smile and say "well we do the best we can"...because honestly, what other option is there? Of course we seem strong - we're like robots. We just trudge through life for a week or a month or a year with blinders on. For our own mental stability, we switch to autopilot and hope for the best.

This weekend was a blessing. To see family. To laugh, tell, and listen to the stories. To connect with the people we love. My friend Lisa put it best: It's a shitty reason to have a great party.

I am wishing my family all the best - whether we're going full speed ahead or running on autopilot at this point. That's the best thing about family. We help each other through. We do what we can when others need it. We memorialize someone special and recognize that being a Ferguson means being someone exceptional. I've always said "It takes someone special to love a Ferguson" - but in return we have a lot of passion, intensity, and love to offer. Our family motto (coined by Jim) is "Hey, watch this!" (typically followed by a trip to the hospital or landing behind bars...). The real Ferguson family motto, the one on our family crest, reads "Dulcius ex asperis" - "From the bitter comes the sweeter". If anyone knows the true meaning of that phrase, it's a Ferguson.