Life is so fragile

One of my family members passed away today. Cancer.

It seems like not a week goes by without a reminder that life is so fragile. That we have very limited time with the people we love. That cancer knows no boundaries.

Last week I went out with some friends for dinner. I got to bring a date with me...someone I've been seeing on and off for several months now. After we went my mom teared up and said "I'm so glad you are getting to do *normal* things." Yeah, I get that. It was just an average night, I got to bring someone and have Thai food out with some of my very best friends.

Actually the dinner turned out to be rather interesting, as a man with Tourettes Syndrome ended up yelling at us and using profanity that really doesn't even cross my lips. (I have a potty mouth, so that's pretty hard to do...)

But there it was, that sense of normalcy. To get in the car and laugh till our bellies hurt from one of the most unusual dinners ever. To have someone sit at the table with me - to not be the third wheel. To let go and laugh and talk and listen to their funny stories.

My life will never be normal again. Or at least, not the normal I knew before. I went back home to my two kids, went to bed, prayed and was grateful for a moment when I got to be like my friends. My new normal includes me being alone a lot, dealing with two young kids on my own. Never getting a break unless I hire someone or my parents take the kids. My new normal includes worrying about being an only-parent. And figuring out everything around the house on my own. It means dinner for three usually has a lot of leftovers. It means happy moments with no one to share them with. Delight in watching my kids do something new, sadness that their dad isn't here to see it and share it with us.

Normal is a wonderful gift. No matter what our normal is - no matter how we define it. I feel very blessed to be approaching a new normal. To have patterns and routines. To eat Thai food on a Thursday night with people I care about.

Maybe this is a rerun of "Drive it like you stole it", applied to everyday life. But I just can't help but think about how fragile our lives are. I can't help but to wonder why some people are forced to create a new normal. I was happy with the normal I had before Jim was diagnosed. This new normal sucks. But I'm working with it. Trying to go with the flow. Eating Thai food with friends makes my new normal better.