Letting Go

Well, the Labor Day Weekend isn't the most opportune time to post a blog, but this is really the first chance I've had. Sorry.


As I mentioned in my last blog, Jim isn't doing very well. We met with Dr. Haid on Wednesday, and Jim has decided that he is ready to stop treatment. It was a very emotional day for us. I think we knew in our hearts that Jim was done with treatment, but hearing him voice it was tough. I don't know if he even really knew he was going to make that decision until we walked into Dr. Haid's office. We'd considered doing the microspheres again for pain relief, but Dr. Haid gently pointed out that Chicago is a long way to go to get the same kind of pain relief that they can provide here with other medications. We agreed.


While we were at The Vince on Wednesday all of the nurses came in to say goodbye to Jim. Some of them were really crying. Even Dr. Haid looked a little teary. It's tough to say goodbye to a team of caregivers like that. Jim won't be able to travel back to The Vince - it's becoming increasingly harder for him to move around.


We had an appointment with hospice today, and it went really well. I was scared out of my mind, and Jim was a little nervous, but it was a good thing to do. One of our favorite nurses (Stacy) came over for moral support. One of our favorite 2K nurses (Chris) stopped over just before that, and really calmed our nerves. We've opted to work with hospice because Jim would like to stay home as long as possible, if not to the end. There's a new private hospice program in Sheboygan that came highly recommended. We had a few questions, but mostly (for once, in my case) we just listened. I didn't have many questions because truthfully, I didn't know what to ask. Before today I had no idea what hospice entailed or what it was all about.


Jim and I are both at peace with things. Although this has been a difficult process, I can't imagine anything worse than making the whole scenario harder by holding onto someone who is ready to go. And Jim has said that he is ready. I am disappointed and sad. We gave cancer one hell of a fight. And cancer didn't beat us. I am sad to say that it doesn't seem as though our miracle is going to happen. But looking at the small miracles, we are a happy family. We've had a tough year, but it's also been a good one. We've laughed a lot, spent a lot of time together, and done things we never thought we could do. We've been truly appreciative of our time together and time with our family and friends.

I choose to look at this as not giving up, but letting go - letting go of the cancer, of the fight, of Jim. I truly feel that we need to let him go in peace, and that holding on is the absolute wrong thing to do. Jim's been able to see Jake grow into a little boy - he was there for Jake's first birthday, haircut, for his first steps, and his first words. Jim celebrated his 38th birthday this year. We celebrated our 12th anniversary. And he got to celebrate Rachel's birthday. He will see her off to her first day of school. He's played games with her, read her stories, and enjoys the time he has with his little girl. Rachel truly idolizes him - nothing will ever change that relationship or mutual feeling between them. Jim and I have also had the chance to say most of the things we wanted to say.

Over the next few weeks, we'll be spending as much time together as possible. Jim's parents and sister will be here this week. One of my brothers and his girlfriend are here right now. And as things begin to wind down, my parents will come back to spend a little more time with Jim. Jim's five best friends will be here next weekend for a visit. Everyone is going to want to spend some time alone with Jim - and we'll work hard to make sure that happens.

Thank you for all your cards, phone calls, and support. We are not answering the phone much at this point because it's too tiring for Jim to talk, and I'm running around with the kids. Don't worry - we're not screening your call, we're just not answering ANY calls. :)

We truly appreciate all the offers for help. We are taking people up on things. We need help. Amy Biznek and Susan Senti are arranging meals if anyone is interested in contributing that way. I need help with playdates for Rachel. We're going to need other things...but I don't know what. I cannot express the depth of our gratitude - to our friends, family, and tremendous support network. Thank you for all you've done for us. I know we're asking for more - but please know that your favors are so appreciated.

Thank you for reading the blog and supporting us through this journey. Even if you didn't know us before, I hope you feel that you know us now by reading the blog. Jim is the most amazing person I've ever met, and it's obvious from your show of support that many of you feel the same way. Please pray for us. Please pray for grace and healing. Please pray for our families as we prepare to let go of Jim.

By the way - the card count is up to 1301. I will continue to update the blog and let everyone know how Jim is doing. We are blessed every day with the gift of love and friendship.