Being an only parent

Another not-so-hot day. I'm going to put a disclaimer on this blog right away: I'm going to mention things about Kohler. And I don't want anyone to change anything, do anything for me, or feel as though this is criticism - I am honestly just expressing a feeling - nothing more.

So here's what happened.

Kohler is the BEST school ever. And therefore the PTA (or as we call it, Kohler School Friends) prints a directory of all the kids and their parents, addresses, etc. We got the directory today. And when I looked us up, Jim wasn't listed with me. I was the only parent listed. Of course they wouldn't list him - he's not here. And it's not like everyone doesn't know. Everyone does know. And they most likely thought it would be harder if he was listed (although I don't know why they'd list him since he's not here), and if he had been listed, I'd probably be freaking out about that, too.

I am an only parent. I prefer to use the term only parent rather than single parent because I do not consider myself single. I am married. I just happen to be married to someone who had cancer. And I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ONLY PARENT. I want Jim back. I want his name listed in the column with me. (That's not a statement to Kohler School Friends - that's an inside feeling, not a request or criticism.) I just want to be Jim and Kate. I loved being Jim and Kate. Now I'm just Kate.

I made it through the week, but just barely. I started to cry at 4:00pm today and I couldn't stop. Of course we had soccer at 4:30, so I got Rachel to the soccer field. My friend Liz took one look at me and asked me if I would like her to hold Jake. I went to the car and finished my meltdown. Then my friend Judy came over and I started my meltdown again. I just don't want to be single. I just want Jim back. I want him to come to soccer. I want him to come home at lunch and eat with us, just like we'd planned. (Lunch at home is one of the benefits of living in Kohler.) I want him to curl up with me on a Friday night and watch a movie.

But like I suspected would happen, I didn't just cry about Jim not being in the directory. I cried because Jake eats sand. I cried because Jake bites and hits, and boy is he cute, but he's no fun to hang with. I cried because Rachel is sassy. I cried because Rachel saw me crying and wondered why I was crying. I cried because bees attacked our lunch at the park today. I don't have any really good reason for crying other than the fact that I miss Jim. That's the real reason I'm crying. But it seems to snowball and I turn it into more. Like I need to blow this one out of proportion. For once I have a good reason to cry and now I'm trying to inflate my reason. Where's the logic?

We went to a dinner at a friends house tonight. It was great fun. I thought about backing out, but right now, I really need it. I need to get out of the house. I'm not wallowing like I thought I would (although you'd never know it from my blog entries), but I realize that the momentum that is keeping me going right now is a good thing. And dinner was awesome. Shannon played the guitar and sang - Jake "danced", which means he flapped his arms and ran around. The kids put on a show. We had fish that Shannon's dad caught and cooked himself. Her mom took me around their house and we talked about all things Ireland. (Shannon's family is super-Irish - Blessed are those that hail from Ireland!)

I have to go. Two of our gang just showed up with wine and raw cookie dough. God I love Kohler.