Fall

Well, grief finally struck. I've sort of been hanging around waiting for it. I finally cried last night. But, I was right in my assessment - crying really doesn't help. I was still sad and dragging when I got up this morning. I found a website last night for widows and I was shocked to see that there were people that were visiting the site that have been widowed for years. I realized then that I'm in a different place than most people. My kids are most certainly what spur me on and force me to continue with a normal day. I just can't not hold it together, and I honestly feel that it's selfish and cruel to the kids to go off the deep end. That being said, I got a chance to cry last night when Rachel, thankfully, wasn't around and didn't wake up.

Life churns forward. I am sort of torn - Rachel's asking me about visiting a pumpkin patch. Of course I'll take the kids. But fall was one of Jim's favorite times of year. Time to break out his flannel shirts and LL Bean boots. We have such fond memories of the pumpkin patch. As you know, we were married for eight years before we decided to have kids. We even visited the pumpkin patch before kids. And it was at a pumpkin patch that I finally got the revelation that kids might be in our overall plan. {Questions to follow - I am not looking for advice, this is a blog, and therefore a recording of my mental blather rather than an information gathering forum} So the question is...do I charge into things head-on and take the kids, regardless of how painful it is for me? Or do I ask other families if we can go with them, in the hopes that it won't be such a lonely experience? Why do I feel the need to have lots of people around to make it not lonely? I'm eventually going to have to accept that we'll be doing things without Jim. Asking if we can tag along with other families won't necessarily make it easier. It just means there will be more people there.

Things that I miss about Jim in the fall
- That fall was his favorite season
- That he carried a flannel shirt like a flag
- That he wore flannel like a guy
- His beautiful, soft skin, especially in fall - still tan and warm from the sun
- How warm his hugs were
- The fact that he carved all of our pumpkins
- The way he held our kids at the pumpkin patch
- That he put up with my love of Halloween and even nurtured it by occasionally helping me set up elaborate Halloween decorations

One of my all-time favorite pictures of Jim (and there are many) is this one:

I can feel what a good dad he is in this picture. I know how his heart is bursting with love. As Judi said in her eulogy - Jim didn't have to try to be a good dad, he just was a good dad. This is the picture of true love.

Nothing feels right anymore. Regardless of whether we go on our own or with other people, the pumpkin patch is going to be tough. But I'm figuring that Jim will be with us. And he'll cradle Rachel and Jake just as before, making sure they pick the very best pumpkins.