Getting By

It's been a week since Jim passed away. We had a lovely memorial service on Saturday. I was paranoid that no one would come, but of course, lots of people came. It's Jim. Throughout our marriage I would freak out whenever we had a party, thinking that no one would come. Jim would always tell me that it was our last party because I was such a pain in the rear-end. Inevitably people would show up and I'd calm down. But of course Jim knew people would show. Who wouldn't want to hang out with Jim?

We are preparing for the trip to Rochester. Jim and Janet, Judi and Mark and Jim's Aunt Sue left this morning. I started making the hard phone calls this afternoon. I have been in high gear for so long that it's all I know how to do anymore. I think some people/companies were surprised to hear from me so early...but I can't think of anything else to do right now. I'm sort of afraid to shift into a lower gear. I spent the entire last year making lists, getting questions together, researching treatments, picking up medications, cooking organic foods...I was running a lot of jobs. Now I have one job: to take care of my kids. But I'm in overdrive and I'm having a hard time focusing on anything. Right now other people are caring for my kids and I'm trying to find my scattered brain. I'm hoping that after the service in Rochester I'll be able to take a deep breath, breathe, and grieve for real. For the past week I haven't truly grieved - I've been shoveling things out of the way so that we can get to the next event.

I am looking forward to going to Rochester. I think a lot of people from Jim's high school will be there and I'll be so happy and thankful to meet so many of them. I am looking forward to a 12 hour drive with my parents. Time to talk, time to wind down, time to eat licorice and Snickers, drink Diet Coke and spend some time forced into doing...nothing.

I've been talking to Jim's urn. I know that might seem weird or silly, especially since that's not Jim. But I just need something right now. I've been asking him to come visit me - maybe it won't happen, maybe it will. Maybe he's already helping give me grace to get through every day - Jim-style - without meltdowns or drama (Kate-style!).

I'm going to try and hack it on my own next week. I'm scared but I'm also looking forward to it. I think that's best for my kids. And I can't put off being on my own forever. It's sort of like pulling off a band-aid. Going it on my own and forcing myself to do things will be better for me in the long run, rather than slowly weaning myself from the care of family. Besides, I can always call in the troops and ask for help when I need it. And I've got some pretty awesome neighbors that are fierce protectors. If we stumble, we most certainly will not fall.

And I'm going to keep writing the blog. I don't know if people will continue to read, but I need it right now. Thanks for reading and for your caring. I'll post about the service after next weekend.

Love to all. I'm off to wind down and watch the end of Dancing with the Stars. At least you can rest assured that we haven't upgraded our TV viewing choices here at the Marventano household...but hey, at least I'm not watching COPS.