The pumpkin farm and my first "date"

Overall it was a tough weekend. And possibly a weekend of small victories.

Rachel, Jake and I hit the pumpkin patch with our friends Susan and Ken, and their kids John and Marcella. We went to the pumpkin patch with them last year, so I figured it would be good to go with them this year as well. I was right. And I've got to say - the pumpkin patch with a riled up four year old and a toddler is definitely a tag-team event, so I was delighted to have Ken and Susan there to field my kids while I wrangled three enormous pumpkins and a gluttony of gourds. It made me miss Jim - with controlling the kids and since Ken and Jim were good friends. I think the reason that we ended up being such good friends with Susan and Ken is because they have a marriage very much like ours. (Except that Susan isn't nearly as dramatic as me, which is a bonus for Ken...)

In any case, we got to do a hayride, go through a mini-haystack maze, pick out pumpkins, feed goats, and generally enjoy a nice afternoon. Rachel was so wound up to be there with Susan and Ken's kids that she pretty much skipped over the whole picking-the-pumpkin part and just ran around. I picked out three pumpkins. I thought about getting four pumpkins, because obviously we typically get one for each of us. But I also wondered if that was partly my ego talking, and if I was going to get four pumpkins, was I planning to carve four? Because carving was really Jim's deal. I'm okay with scooping out and cleaning pumpkins, but generally my carving looks as though I've taken a knife and hacked at the pumpkin until it has something resembling a face. Of course Jim's carvings were all Martha Stewartish. So I thought it best not to get too big for my britches and stick with three. Chances are Rachel and Jake will lose interest 10 minutes into the carving ordeal and I'll be stuck carving alone. And if I bought a fourth pumpkin and didn't carve it, would that be saying that I didn't care enough to carve one for Jim? See how I like to overthink these things? Where do I come up with this stuff?

All in all I count the pumpkin patch as a success. Rachel and Jake had fun and we got the pumpkins.

Saturday night I went to a surprise party for my friend Kerri's birthday. I was nervous when I got the invite. At this moment, I'm the only "only-parent" I know in Kohler. Being a single mom in Kohler really isn't the norm. So I was a bit nervous about going to a party full of happily-marrieds. I could just picture it as an awkward middle school dance where all the marrieds would stand on one side of the room, and all the alones would stand one the other side, ie. I'd be alone with everyone staring at me.

But several weeks ago my friend Amy blessedly called and told me that her husband would be taking her son to a Bears game - would I like to be her date? You bet I would. Then my friend Shauna called and told me that her husband would be out of town and would I like to go? You bet I would. So I got them both corsages for my first big "date". Even flanked with friends I was scared out of my mind. But as it turned out, there were tons of girls there whose husbands, for various reasons, weren't able to attend. Whew. And I can promise you that my dates were the only ones wearing corsages. Don't worry, I got them wrist corsages. I didn't want the flowers to interfere with their jeans and sweaters. You should have heard me explaining that one to the florist.

Me: Hi. I need two corsages for tomorrow evening.

Florist: Two?

Me: Yes, two.

Florist: What color are the girls' dresses?

Me: Um, jeans and t-shirts?

Florist: Hm. Okay.

Me: {Begin nervous babbling} White, please. NO CARNATIONS. But white. It's my first time out since my husband passed away. {Overthinking: oh no, she'll think I have a date and it's only been three weeks. Say something! Quick!} I mean, I'm going out with two of my girlfriends.

Florist: Yeah. Pick them up by two tomorrow.

-*Click*-

And you wonder why I don't answer the phone? It's because of exchanges like that, my friends.

Anyway, the party was fun and I felt good for going. I was glad to be invited. And I only had two really teary moments: 1. They played a Johnny Cash song that reminded me of Jim and I got all nervous and jerky and went outside. 2. I saw Susan and Ken hug a couple of times (the same Susan and Ken from the pumpkin patch) - although it was great to see them hug, it reminded me of Jim and me. Jim was my rock. I'd float off at a party and chit chat, drink lots of wine, and I'd always float back to Jim to give him hugs, let him know that I loved him, tell stories about things we did or fun times we'd had together, and then float away again to chit chat with other people. That's what I saw in Susan and Ken last night. Two people who genuinely enjoy each other. A marriage that's rock solid. Love and respect and the ability to laugh, hug and have fun together. That made me miss Jim. I loved telling funny stories about Jim at parties. Like how Jim used to have an autographed picture of Norm Abrahms in his workshop. Or how he chugged some unidentifiable purple liquid at the poolside bar in Cancun and waded back to me in a diagonal. Or the time that he got our shopping cart stuck in the snow at Ace hardware and I started laughing so hard that I couldn't help him. Or the time at Sam's Club when he put this ENORMOUS package of tighty-whiteys in the cart to make me laugh, and when I saw the twinkle in his eye I started laughing so hard that I had to hang onto a clothing rack to keep myself up. I can still get laughing at that story.

I miss Jim. Life is just not as good without someone like that. He was the center of my universe. I am still thankful for any time I had with him. But it just hurts like hell right now.

In any case, I also count the party as a success. I went, I had two dates, and I had a good time. I got to talk to a lot of people and I met some nice new people.

I went to church today and felt proud of myself for getting there on time with the kids. (A first in nearly a year.) I was glad I went - it was a good message. The kids drove me insane for the the rest of the day, but that's another blog. :)