Beef jerky
My friend Christine reminded me of a funny story about Jim.
When we lived in Charlotte, I came home from work one day and couldn't find Jim anywhere. I knew he was home - his car was in the driveway and the lights were all on. I finally noticed that the light was on in our kitchen pantry. I opened the door, and there was Jim - deer in headlights - eating directly out of a bag of beef jerky. I laughed so hard. Jim had a bad habit of going crazy on treats, as if he couldn't bear sharing them. At the time we didn't have any kids, barely any friends, and I didn't eat beef jerky, so I have no idea why he felt the need to shovel it in. It was a bag from a warehouse store, too - supersized.
It's not like I don't do the same thing. I plowed through an entire bag of Halloween Snickers this year. By myself. I maybe - maybe shared 5 of them with Rachel. Jake can't have nuts yet. At least that's the rationalization I used.
Jim's favorite ice cream - Ben & Jerry's Heath Bar Crunch. Or if he was feeling really crazy it was Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. Cracklin' Oat Bran was his favorite cereal and I had trouble keeping a box in the house for more than 48 hours. He loved bratwurst, rootbeer, and his sister's tuna macaroni salad. All three together? Ooh la la that would make Jim's day.
Somehow indulging in my favorite things doesn't seem as rich without Jim. It just seems excessive. Like I'm doing something bad. I know in my heart that I'll get to a point where I don't think about Jim during everything I do, but I'm missing mostly the simple things. Like Ben & Jerrys. Like having Jim grill out our dinner. (Jim was amazing with the grill.) Like seeing Jim eat Judi's tuna mac salad for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Like pizza on Fridays. Jim's all-time favorite food was pizza. This past weekend, my parents made Jim's favorite soup, Borscht. I couldn't bring myself to eat any. I feel like a traitor for getting these small pleasures without Jim here.
Missing Jim isn't the catastrophic event of his death. It's all the little things and the small pains of every day life that get to me. Things that once seemed fun or indulgent just seem wrong now. I wonder if when we get to heaven we can eat unlimited Ben & Jerrys and beef jerky. If so, I'll bet you Jim's there right now, having a tough time choosing between Coffee Heath Bar Crunch and Teriyaki Beef Jerky.
posted by Kate at 12:23 PM
4 Comments:
Kate - I just found out. Today. From *Kyle* for heaven's sake. I cried with my head in a sink. Debba sent me your blog and I can't believe I've missed all this. Just this past Tuesday I thought about you guys and realized I hadn't heard anything in so long I felt sure he beat the cancer - I just assumed he would when you told me last year...
Here's another story for you - I think of it every time I think of Jim. Remember back when you all started running a lot, and I was driving to your house one afternoon and from clear down McLendon I saw this tall, dark and handsome man running up the street. I thought "damn!" and even leaned over to get a better look. It was Jim...I had completely gawked at my friend's husband. I got to your house and told you and you cracked up. Then we had some wine, no doubt.
I miss you Kate, but I'm glad to read about the support network you have up there. My heart aches for you, the kids, and for Jim for having to go through this last year. I am so very sorry...
4:25 PM
Kate,
I was laughing out loud at your story. Reminds me of how me and Jimmy would get a bucket of wings from pontillos and medium pizza. before I could eat one slice, Jim would somehow eat all the drumstick wings - he loved the drumsticks - hated the wings. Everytime he would somehow manage to do it. Oh yeah, he would eat all the blue chease too and then laugh at me. I had about as much chance at the drumsticks as I did at finishing a garbage plate before Jim.
4:41 PM
As I read about Jim in the pantry eating the beef jerky, I felt a pang of guilt...poor guy, years and years after his older sister conned him out of all the good Halloween candy from his trick-or-treat bag, he still felt like someone was going to take all the good treats!
Don't know how I did it, but every year, we'd dump our bags out on the living room floor to "trade" - I'd convince him to give up the good stuff. I'd end up with all the pure chocolate candy and the rootbeer flavored suckers, and he'd have the mounds, almond joys, and mary janes. I can still hear Mom warning me to not take advantage of Jimmy.
9:42 AM
Kate,
Stef just let all of us know and please know that our hearts, and thoughts are with you and the kids.
I have read quite a bit of your blog, and what keeps coming up to me is all the small things you guys remember about Jim. It is heart warming the small things that you remember about him and his behaviors. I say these are the things that are huge as they fill a life time with great memories and laughter.
The things I remember most about Jim was his willingness to talk to anyone about anything and give his thoughts. For instance I still use some of his grilling suggestions when I grill out, and even put his suggestions into practice when doing a bit of the remodeling around our house.
If you need anything please let Terri and I know, and You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
11:02 AM
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