Tough Day

It was a tough day for our little family today. The whole day kicked off wrong and then we never really recovered. Rachel dawdled around this morning and wouldn't get dressed until I absolutely freaked. Then she couldn't get dressed because she was crying because I yelled at her. It seems like almost every day starts out the same way. We're perpetually running late.

I've always run late. I believe it's my subconscious telling me (and others around me) that I can do whatever I want and I don't have to adhere to the timelines other people set for me. But if I really don't want to adhere to the school timeline, why don't I homeschool her? Because I'd go nuts.

So we weren't even in the car until the time that school started. I had to check her in late. And checking in late at Kohler ain't easy. They don't like tardy. I was embarrassed. Given our circumstances I think we're doing pretty well. I've got a few things working against me...grief, two young kids, and my innate need to be late. So seeing as how this was the first time, I think we've done okay thus far. We made it through two months without being late. But I hate being the last ones in the door, and having to run for it at that. I just hate it. But I can't seem to get it together any earlier. Right now I need the sleep. I am exhausted even with 8 hours of sleep. I'm not getting up unusually late, but none of us are morning people and getting things moving is tough.

In any case, that was the beginning. Then I dropped Jake off at my friend Liz's, and I was scheduled to go to a grief group. Today was the first meeting. I thought I'd have a pretty easy time with it but when we had to go around and introduce ourselves I got choked up when I told them about Rachel and Jake. And some of the people had really, really sad stories.

I don't believe that any kind of grief is easier than another, but I did get a chance to say goodbye to Jim. We said everything we wanted to say. We knew what was coming. I did a lot of anticipatory grieving in August. And we did have a good time. One woman mentioned that the biggest lesson she learned was not putting off having fun. Enjoy it now. I agree. We did put off some fun, but for the most part, we did a lot of really fun stuff together. We were never sparing with hugs and kisses. Or kind words for one another. Or laughter.

So the grief group was tough. And I actually left feeling worse than I went into it. I couldn't tell if that was my own grief or grieving for the others and what they had lost. Some of their circumstances made ours look different. I realized today that it could have been a lot worse. I've had something of an appreciation for other grievers, but today something really hit home and I knew that Jim and I did it right. And we were very fortunate to have the time to do it right. We were together the whole time. He made all his own decisions until the very last day. His parents lived with us for more than a month at the end, so they were there supporting him (and me) every step of the way. My parents got to be here. His sister and my brothers got to say goodbye. Today I really felt that other people didn't get the same kind of time we did. Or maybe they didn't use it wisely. Whatever their circumstance it made me think about how we did things, and it made me sad for them.

So the grief group was tough. I picked Jake up, put him down for a nap and took the opportunity of being alone to wash the dishes and berate myself for screaming at Rachel. I'm scarring her for life. I just know it.

When Jake got up from his nap he pretty much cried for the rest of the afternoon. We hit two stores and the kids gave me a hard time the entire sojourn.

When we got home I decided that we needed a little Jim. So we put on Brooks&Dunn and danced to "Boot Scoot Boogie". That pepped the kids up. And me.

People, don't put off hugs and kisses for tomorrow. Go have some fun. Get out there and do something with your spouse. Be kind to your loved ones. We don't know how much time we have. No one knows. Buy life insurance. And for heaven's sake, get your colonoscopy.

The number one thing I feel angry about right now is that fact that mine was a waste of a great marriage. The divorce rate is at 50%. I truly accept that everyone makes mistakes, and this isn't a judgement on anyone else - it's a comment that my own marriage was solid gold, and it was wasted by cancer. I still don't think cancer beat us. But I do still wonder why such a good man, such a loving man, my husband. Why my husband? He was mine and I want him. I learned for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. We lived those vows.

People rarely see me cry. I'm not sure why. It's hard to let go of tears in front of other people. Sometimes (like now) it's hard to write the blog through tears. I miss him so much. I want him back. He was my everything. My husband, my lover, my best friend, and the father (and more importantly DAD) to our kids. I never intended to live this life without him. Sadness consumes me today.

Jake's in bed. Rachel won't be far behind. And I won't be far behind her. Tomorrow is a new day. Things will get better. I have to believe that.