This blog is for Jim Marventano's family and friends to review his status and updates while he goes through treatment for Stage IV Colon Cancer. We can beat it together!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Tough Day

It was a tough day for our little family today. The whole day kicked off wrong and then we never really recovered. Rachel dawdled around this morning and wouldn't get dressed until I absolutely freaked. Then she couldn't get dressed because she was crying because I yelled at her. It seems like almost every day starts out the same way. We're perpetually running late.

I've always run late. I believe it's my subconscious telling me (and others around me) that I can do whatever I want and I don't have to adhere to the timelines other people set for me. But if I really don't want to adhere to the school timeline, why don't I homeschool her? Because I'd go nuts.

So we weren't even in the car until the time that school started. I had to check her in late. And checking in late at Kohler ain't easy. They don't like tardy. I was embarrassed. Given our circumstances I think we're doing pretty well. I've got a few things working against me...grief, two young kids, and my innate need to be late. So seeing as how this was the first time, I think we've done okay thus far. We made it through two months without being late. But I hate being the last ones in the door, and having to run for it at that. I just hate it. But I can't seem to get it together any earlier. Right now I need the sleep. I am exhausted even with 8 hours of sleep. I'm not getting up unusually late, but none of us are morning people and getting things moving is tough.

In any case, that was the beginning. Then I dropped Jake off at my friend Liz's, and I was scheduled to go to a grief group. Today was the first meeting. I thought I'd have a pretty easy time with it but when we had to go around and introduce ourselves I got choked up when I told them about Rachel and Jake. And some of the people had really, really sad stories.

I don't believe that any kind of grief is easier than another, but I did get a chance to say goodbye to Jim. We said everything we wanted to say. We knew what was coming. I did a lot of anticipatory grieving in August. And we did have a good time. One woman mentioned that the biggest lesson she learned was not putting off having fun. Enjoy it now. I agree. We did put off some fun, but for the most part, we did a lot of really fun stuff together. We were never sparing with hugs and kisses. Or kind words for one another. Or laughter.

So the grief group was tough. And I actually left feeling worse than I went into it. I couldn't tell if that was my own grief or grieving for the others and what they had lost. Some of their circumstances made ours look different. I realized today that it could have been a lot worse. I've had something of an appreciation for other grievers, but today something really hit home and I knew that Jim and I did it right. And we were very fortunate to have the time to do it right. We were together the whole time. He made all his own decisions until the very last day. His parents lived with us for more than a month at the end, so they were there supporting him (and me) every step of the way. My parents got to be here. His sister and my brothers got to say goodbye. Today I really felt that other people didn't get the same kind of time we did. Or maybe they didn't use it wisely. Whatever their circumstance it made me think about how we did things, and it made me sad for them.

So the grief group was tough. I picked Jake up, put him down for a nap and took the opportunity of being alone to wash the dishes and berate myself for screaming at Rachel. I'm scarring her for life. I just know it.

When Jake got up from his nap he pretty much cried for the rest of the afternoon. We hit two stores and the kids gave me a hard time the entire sojourn.

When we got home I decided that we needed a little Jim. So we put on Brooks&Dunn and danced to "Boot Scoot Boogie". That pepped the kids up. And me.

People, don't put off hugs and kisses for tomorrow. Go have some fun. Get out there and do something with your spouse. Be kind to your loved ones. We don't know how much time we have. No one knows. Buy life insurance. And for heaven's sake, get your colonoscopy.

The number one thing I feel angry about right now is that fact that mine was a waste of a great marriage. The divorce rate is at 50%. I truly accept that everyone makes mistakes, and this isn't a judgement on anyone else - it's a comment that my own marriage was solid gold, and it was wasted by cancer. I still don't think cancer beat us. But I do still wonder why such a good man, such a loving man, my husband. Why my husband? He was mine and I want him. I learned for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. We lived those vows.

People rarely see me cry. I'm not sure why. It's hard to let go of tears in front of other people. Sometimes (like now) it's hard to write the blog through tears. I miss him so much. I want him back. He was my everything. My husband, my lover, my best friend, and the father (and more importantly DAD) to our kids. I never intended to live this life without him. Sadness consumes me today.

Jake's in bed. Rachel won't be far behind. And I won't be far behind her. Tomorrow is a new day. Things will get better. I have to believe that.

14 Comments:

Blogger Blog Antagonist said...

Oh Kate, yer killing me, hon. Reading about your pain and not being able to help sucks. Of course, I know that even those near you can't really help...only time will ease the pain, but I really wish I could do something to *feel* like I'm helping.

I can't understand how you feel, I won't pretend to. But you know that G and I have a similar relationship. One reason the thought of losing him scares me so much is that I can't believe I would get that lucky ever twice, when so many people aren't that lucky even one time. And I'm not sure I would want to. Who could ever hold a candle to him?

I'm not helping very much am I? Well anyway..I think I can understand a little bit. ((HUGS))

8:19 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is amazing how much the human spirit can endure. One step at a time is all you can take. These footsteps will become lighter as time progresses, and soon you will find yourself running. You are doing just great. Children age and will be a great help in your journey. You are all doing GREAT...

4:59 AM

 
Blogger Judester said...

I am so sorry that days like yesterday happened and will continue to happen for you and the kids. I've always been obsessed with fair - and this was definitely not fair. I want him back too - for you, for the kids, for mom & dad, and for me and mine! I have a hard time reading the newspaper because I'm angry at the injustice of Jim dying,...and here's my inflammatory remark...when there are so many people more deserving of an early death. I wish I could make it all better - that I could wake us up from this nightmare and Jim would be back with us, healthy and full of life. I feel helpless knowing that the only thing I can do is say "Kate - I am so sorry." Love - Jude

8:56 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's a prayer that for every tough day you and your kids have that there are ten times more days packed with sweetness -- whether it comes in the form of cupcakes, or hugs, or however. There isn't one of us reading your blog that doesn't wish we could step in and take away some of your pain, Kate. Stay strong and know that there will be many better days ahead.

10:45 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I had some helpful words of wisdom. But right now, all I can think of is, "Hang in there." You'll never stop missing him but it will get better. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

1:23 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Kate,

You are right, it isn't fair. I agree with your sister in law that it seems there are others more deserving of an early death.... however I do believe that God has planned our days in advance, and although it doesn't seem fair to US, it is according to His plan. I kept thinking, after Paul died, that I wished His plan would have been different. I wanted to learn the "lessons" a different way, not by losing my husband, my best friend, the father of our children. After a while, I felt like.... "ok, I've proved that I can do this, that I can be strong enough to live on... now I want him back." The finality of it all took months to years to accept and even today, there are times when I can still hardly believe that was a part of my life.

You are right... the days will get better. Time marches onward and waits for no one. One of Paul's favorite sayings was..."We'll have a better day tomorrow." I'm hoping that today is a better day than yesterday for you and the kids.

2:19 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kate,
Hang in there. I do not think you are scarring Rachel for life. I think all 4 year olds act the same. Kara acts the same way in the morning to a tee. Even the I can't get dressed now because you were yelling at me and now I am crying. I think 4 year olds are known for all of their drama. May each day bring a little more sunshine to you and the kids.
Take Care,
Jennifer

2:27 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep your head up,you guys are going to be o.k!!! We all love you to pieces Kate.

4:14 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God has a special place already reserved for you in Heaven. That is little relief right now, but you will be re-united with Jim someday. What's a few years on earth, for an eternity in Heaven. All I can tell you is put one foot in front of the other and know that EVERYONE is praying for you.

I swear my kids say "that's not fair" about 72 times per day. And I always say " where is it written that life is fair?" It sucks, but life is not fair. Sorry!!! You really do not deserve this, but for your kids and yourself, you must and will push on. I pray often for you. I wear the blue bracelet almost everyday and think of Jim and my dad and everyone that has lost a loved one and I just pray for peace. God Bless Kate.

Jason - Rochester

9:30 PM

 
Blogger French said...

Kate,

Don't lose your sense of humor - it is a key. Rachel sounds like she would fit right in with our kids, Molasses and Mapple Syryp (as in "As slow as"). Everyday is an adventure, and I see myself saying more and more the things my parents did ('because I said so', 'I will give you not fair'...). You are doing just fine.

9:38 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kate- My heart breaks for you & the kids when days like this rear their ugly heads. Listen girlfriend... You are a great mother. If you are scarring Rachel, then she can join the group with my daughter & several others in the world. Sometimes kids are a pain & we lose our temper. It happens to everyone. Just hang in there. If it really bothers you, get everything ready the night before. Lay out clothes, have lunch ready, backpack packed up... Heck, I used to make a menu for breakfast so my husband didn't go thru the... "I don't know what I want!" Whatever works best.

I wish I was there with you & we could have a glass of wine (who am I kidding?...probably a bottle or two!) eat some cheese & try to laugh over the little things that our kids do that make us lose our minds. You are going to be fine. Just remember the love in your heart.

Aimee

1:53 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kate,

Rachel's being late may be her way of controlling her life right now. Four year olds don't have much to controll in their lives and this may be her avenue for now albeit it's not the best for you! My son used to do the same thing and it drove me crazy. Maybe a task that is all hers to perform will give her controll in another aspect of her life.

As so many comment on your blog say........Hang in there!

6:17 PM

 
Blogger McVentures said...

Kate,

WE LOVE YOU.

Love,
Kristy and Tom
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

1:28 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kate, my heart is broken, so very sad, for you, the kids, your families.
I had lunch with Lisa Milko today, and she told me. I am so stunned, so shocked.
There's so much I want to say, but I am still processing this information.
I will say this. I will never forget your fabulous Halloween party when Jim was dressed as Dr. Evil and baby Rachel was Mini Me, strapped to his chest. It was the funniest costume there. It was a classic.
My sincerest condolences. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Jennifer Myers, jamn_2001@yahoo.com Atlanta
I'm writing as anonymous because I can't think straight enough to set up an account right now.

3:23 PM

 

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