How long do these phases last?

I'm going through another phase. This is one where I feel the need to explain to people why I'm on my own with the kids.

Buying a Christmas tree: I explain that my husband passed away, thank you for tying the tree to the car for me because I was nervous about getting a tree.
Flying alone with two kids: I explain that my husband passed away and that's why he's not here helping.
Changing Health Insurance information at the doctor's office: I'm carrying private insurance for only three of us because my husband passed away.
The dogs: I only want them to go to a home where they'll be taken care of because I would never think of placing them except that my husband passed away and I'm having trouble managing.
Late for school (or church, or the salon, or a meeting): I'm sorry I'm late but my husband recently passed away and I had to arrange childcare, drop the kids off, get them ready and organized on my own, etc.

I'm hoping this is just a phase, because certainly the guy at Roy's Christmas Tree Farm didn't need to know all the details. Nor did he care.

I just want "strangers" to know that Jim's a great guy and he would be here if he could. He's not some clod that ran off and left me to fend for myself with two kids in the airport. And I want them to know that I'm capable. I'm adjusting. This is just not what I was expecting.

I doubt quite seriously that all that comes out when I feel the need to explain, but I just feel as though I have to make some kind of statement. I cannot let it go right now. I'm not sure how long this phase will last. Maybe it will go on forever? I hope not. It can make some people uncomfortable. And sometimes after I say it I berate myself. People just don't care why I'm alone with the kids. Not because they're uncaring, but because they see that scenario every day and they are perfectly okay with helping me, regardless of where my husband may or may not be.

Maybe it's also a statement that I'm not alone by choice. I'm alone because the person who loved me suffered the consequences of cancer. Our family suffered the consequences of cancer. I am not alone because I nagged my husband until he left. I am not alone because my husband was a clod and we divorced. I am not alone for any reason other than the fact that the love of my life had cancer. I really don't want to be alone. Maybe the statement is that even though I am alone, I'm really not alone because my husband wasn't the type of guy that would leave me alone. He's still with me and the kids, just not physically.

Putting up Christmas decorations was tough. Christmas was Jim's favorite holiday. He loved to put his Christmas list into a spreadsheet. He hung the wreaths on our windows, and he loved putting the candles in the windows. He wore a Christmas hat around the house while decorating the tree, and he liked listening to the Peanuts Christmas soundtrack. He listened to a radio station that played 24 hour Christmas music starting the day after Thanksgiving. He loved setting up the gifts for the kids. He would get so excited - he takes after his mother - he'd occasionally wander out into the living room to shake packages. We sat every year with the lights out, just looking at the lights on our Christmas tree. We lit a fire and had hot cocoa. Jim was all about Christmas.

This year I hung his stocking. I will have the kids draw him pictures, and I'll write him a letter for his stocking. We'll do that every year until we're ready to stop. Nothing seems right without Jim here. But I intend to keep him here as much as I can. I miss him so much. I've worried about the holidays, but I know we'll get through it. I don't have much time to wallow with Rachel and Jake around. And I know Jim would want us to have fun - especially the kids. Each day seems a little better, but each day also brings a new occasion to miss Jim. I wonder if he knows how much I miss him.

Well, if this is a phase I'm going through with all the explaining, it's a season - and just like the holidays, I'll get through it. It will be a good holiday. If I explain to you that the gifts are badly wrapped because my husband recently passed away and he was the one who wrapped the Christmas gifts, you'll know it's my coping mechanism.